


This Will Never Change

by ice_hot_13



Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-27 19:54:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/982962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ice_hot_13/pseuds/ice_hot_13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan is a werewolf. It's ruined his whole life, his family and everything he has, and he's afraid it's going to ruin his friendship with Aaron, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

            Being Ryan’s best friend is hard. It’s not because he’s stubborn – he is – or because he ditches plans all the time – he does – because those are all things Aaron’s used to, considers just part of the package. What makes it hard is that Ryan’s fought him on every step of the way, before clinging hard to every new gain, no matter how much he resisted it initially.

            Like this team. Ryan had to be coaxed into joining but now, he’s so excited for their first game, it’s like it’s the highlight of his week. Aaron watches Ryan climb into the passenger seat, takes a moment to just hope it’ll stay like this, that the team will turn out fun, keep Ryan loving it.

“So what’s this team’s name?” Ryan asks, already reaching to mess with the radio. According to him, it’s not a shotgun-privileges thing, it’s just always his.

“The Werewolves,” Aaron says, and Ryan laughs, but it’s his really-unnerved laugh. Aaron wonders why Ryan even tries to fool him. Doesn’t he get that Aaron knows every last thing about him?

“That’s fucking stupid,” Ryan says, and he’d be great at hiding his obvious irritation if Aaron didn’t know him inside and out.

The teammates they play with never really affect them – Aaron always plays his best when Ryan’s his D-partner, has a game that’s fast and sharp. Ryan plays a hard-hitting game, always plays bigger than he is. They get jerseys, the logo a werewolf holding a hockey stick, and Aaron sees the way Ryan turns his nose up at it. Whatever; Ryan’s had issues with weirder things. He snubs half of Aaron’s favourite sci-fi movies and hates puppies. Aaron likes him anyways.

Maybe _likes_ isn’t the right word. Aaron watches Ryan pull on his shirt, wants to kiss the bruise on his ribs, fall into bed next to his rink-chilled body, wrapped around him until they warm up, until morning.

“So,” Aaron says to distract himself, “wanna come to my place now? My class is cancelled tomorrow.” Ryan doesn’t have class Tuesdays and Thursdays, only has four classes to Aaron’s five. He’s still the most stressed-out person Aaron knows.

“I’ll come by in the morning,” Ryan says, bumps his shoulder against Aaron’s in lieu of an explanation, because he never offers up one. He always picks a different time, though, so Aaron’s ego has survived.

“Good. The hunt for the perfect breakfast burrito is not over.”

Aaron might still be kind of disappointed as he drops Ryan off at home and leaves, but he’ll live. He’s gotten good at dealing with this, the way he misses Ryan the moment he’s gone, feels like Ryan’s at a distance even when he’s here.

\-----------------------

The Werewolves. That’s sickeningly appropriate. Things always seem to go like that, horrifically ironic. Ryan shouldn’t be trusted to get close to people, so of course there’s someone who’s been trying for years to get to know him. He definitely can’t have a relationship, and naturally fell in love with the best friend he shouldn’t have. And since being a werewolf is the worst thing in his life, his hockey team is called the fucking Werewolves, of _course._

After Aaron drops him off at home, Ryan heads upstairs, leaves his gear in the tiny entry that’s really the living room. He can feel the need to turn just burning at him, but he doesn’t _want_ to. He shoves it away and goes to take a shower, but it’s far from relaxing, the wolf howling to get out, impatient and frustrated. Ryan hates it though, he really does, hates it more when it’s a pressing need like this, something he has so little control over. He gives up after a long, fidgety hour spent pushing it away. Within seconds of deciding to, he’s shifted over into a wolf, and how he hates that feeling, feeling like it’s always just barely under his control.

He jumps up onto his bed and noses under the covers. It doesn’t help with the tightly-coiled energy, but spending his time as a werewolf asleep at least lets him avoid it just a little. He’ll wake up edgy and tightly-wound, but at least he’ll be able to shove the wolf side down for a while.

The next morning, Ryan’s as tense as he knew he’d be. A good portion of his attention has to go to keeping things under control; he’s never really in danger of just up and turning, but if he doesn’t keep it far enough at bay, he’ll be able to feel it, and he _hates_ that. He doesn’t want the reminders, the heightened senses and instinctual needs, he just wants to be _normal,_ that’s the only thing he wants.

Aaron notices, of course. They’re walking back towards Aaron’s car after breakfast, taking the long way by the water as they leave Granville Island.

“You alright?” Aaron asks, and Ryan knows he’s been quiet, had hoped Aaron wouldn’t pick up on it. Aaron always does.

“Yeah,” Ryan lies. He shoves his hands in his pockets, gives the wolf side an extra hard push away. Whenever Aaron’s caring like this, the wolf side reminds Ryan of just how much he wants Aaron. Loudly. “Sorry I’m not, um. Better company.”

“Well,” Aaron says, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”

“Uh, what? About how I’m suckey company?” This seems odd for Aaron; he seems to have the unshakeable belief that Ryan’s not just tolerable, but outright desirable as a friend.

“More like the best,” Aaron says, and he smiles, but it’s serious. Something in Ryan chokes up a little. “But, actually. I, uh. Like you.” He’s gone kind of red, but keeps walking slowly along the path. “Like, you’re not suckey company, dude. I want to spend all my time with you.” Ryan doesn’t quite get it, and he’s going to tell Aaron so when Aaron goes on. “So?” Aaron says.

“Um?” Ryan manages, completely lost.

“What ‘um’?” Aaron looks over, laughs a little at the confused look on Ryan’s face. “Will you go on a date with me?”

 _Oh._ Ryan grasps for words, wants to yank Aaron close and kiss him over and over, because everything’s okay now, Aaron likes him back, he can – the wolf side rears up in ecstasy, sends streaks of want racing through him.

He can’t.

“No,” Ryan snaps, stopping abruptly, “are you stupid? How could you like me? Don’t.” He can’t just – just watch Aaron get himself into something he doesn’t understand, won’t allow Aaron to give up anything for him when Aaron doesn’t know nearly enough.

“Don’t like you?” Aaron asks.

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, dude,” Aaron seems strangely calm about this, “date’s still on the table.”

“No.”

“Think about it,” Aaron bumps his shoulder against Ryan’s, “offer stands.”

“Shouldn’t,” Ryan mumbles, even as everything in him screams to say yes, because this is everything he wants, isn’t allowed to have. Aaron just gives him a small smile, all patience.

He’s going to wait as long as it takes, and isn’t that the problem.

\----------------------------

Wednesday afternoon, Aaron waits outside room A100 in the Buchannan building. There’s still seven minutes until class ends.

“Aaron!” Brett stops before him, “you got a class here?”

“Naah, waiting for Ryan,” Aaron says, even though the temptation to add _my future boyfriend_ is pretty great. The thought of Ryan’s always done ridiculous things to him, but this is a bit much.

“Ah,” Brett says, like this isn’t a surprise. “Say hi for me! Catch you later,” he heads off to his class, leaves Aaron to wait for Ryan.

Ryan doesn’t actually know Aaron’s waiting for him, technically. Aaron kind of has to see him, though. It took forever to work up the nerve to actually ask Ryan out, days’ worth of hours spent trying to work out the risk, whether it was worth it. Ryan’s always worth it, except when the risk is losing him; it’s taken Aaron six years to decide that if Ryan wants him back, things would be even better for both of him, and when he weighs it out like that, it was a little more doable. If Ryan didn’t feel the same way, Ryan won’t be hurt by losing him, and if he _does_ feel the same way, they’ll have something Aaron can barely imagine. _Ryan_ can’t be hurt by this risk, and that’s why Aaron went for it.

He knows Ryan wanted to say yes, he’s _positive._ Aaron knows everything there is to know about Ryan; he can recognize a _yes_ on Ryan’s face no matter what. Ryan wanted to say yes to him, and all Aaron has to do is figure out what’s keeping him from saying it.

When Ryan finally gets out of class, Aaron practically pounces on him.

“Ryan!” Aaron barely restrains himself from hugging Ryan, settles for throwing one arm over his shoulders, “you free for lunch?”

“Maybe,” Ryan says guardedly.

“As a date,” Aaron adds softly. That same hungry _yes_ flickers over Ryan’s face, even as he shakes his head no. “I know you want to,” Aaron teases, and Ryan tenses a little.

“Sorry, dude,” he says, but he’s never been very good at lying to Aaron.

He definitely wants to.

By the end of the week, Ryan’s turned Aaron down six more times. On Saturday, Aaron knows he’s gotten desperate when he resorts to calling his brother for help.

“You get lots of dates,” Aaron says as soon as Jason answers the phone.

“Is today national day of compliments or something?”

“No, tell me how to get a date.”

“Uh, you ask for one.”

“How to get them to say yes, I mean.”

“Since when is this a problem for you?” Jason asks. Aaron sighs; it’s usually _not._ But it’s never mattered before, and all of those yes’s combined mean nothing compared to one from Ryan. He’s had six years of substitutes; he aches to hear the real thing.

“Since this – person,” Aaron sits heavily on the couch, lies back to stare up at the ceiling.

“So get on to the next girl.”

“No, but – they’re – special, this – person isn’t like the others, okay, h- they’re –” Aaron huffs at the pronoun-avoiding tripping he’s doing, “it’s a guy, okay. It’s Ryan. Tell me how to get him to say yes.”

Jason laughs for almost a minute straight. “You keep this from me for years, then tell me because saying ‘they’ got annoying?” he asks when he can manage to talk. “Fuck, Aaron. You’re unbelievable,” he says fondly.

“I can tell he wants to, what am I doing wrong?” Aaron pleads, ignoring him. Jason sighs.

“Be confident. Act like you know he’ll say yes. That always works.”

“I guess,” Aaron sighs.

“Ryan, though, eh?”

“Yup.”

“He’s-”

“Jason,” Aaron growls, “I want you to think very carefully about what you say next.” Jason laughs.

“He’s yours,” Jason says, “I gotta head to work, good luck with your date, A.”

After he’s hung up, Aaron just stares at his phone for a moment. _He’s yours,_ but Ryan’s not, Aaron’s had to fight to have him, like Ryan doesn’t want him close, like allowing him in is going against some survival instinct.

Aaron pushes the thought away, sits up and pulls his laptop across the coffee table towards him to find the phone number he needs. The next thing Aaron does is call and make reservations for tonight at an Italian place he knows Ryan likes. Maybe actually having a reservation in place will make him sound more confident. Power of positive thinking and all that. 

            He decides to call Ryan instead of going over; maybe it'll be different enough to get him a different answer. 

            "Hi," Ryan says when he picks up. 

            "How'd you know it's me?"

            "It's always you," Ryan sounds amused by this.  

            "Fair enough. Will you go out with me tonight?" he asks immediately. 

            "Aaron," Ryan says, and with nothing else to focus on, Aaron can hear the plea in his voice, something tortured and helpless. He wants to make that go away, but he’s the thing causing it, and God but he _hates_ that thought. "No."

            "You sure? You like this place."

            "I'm sorry," Ryan says, so quiet.  

            After they've hung up, Aaron calls to cancel his reservation. He clings to the fact that Ryan has yet to say "I don't want to" - that has to mean something. 

            Over the next week, though, Aaron makes and cancels five reservations, and gets turned down by Ryan twelve times. 

            Every time, though, Aaron gets the feeling that Ryan wants to say yes, and Aaron doesn't think he'd be wrong about seeing it that many times. 

            Ryan wants to. 


	2. Chapter 2

            By the Friday before reading week, Ryan is ready to fall to pieces. Aaron asked him out this morning again and Ryan just _burns_ to say yes, and it's just so fucking hard to keep forcing himself to turn away the very thing he wants more than anything. This is it, he's never wanted anyone like this, and he has to keep turning Aaron down. He’s afraid Aaron will keep asking and afraid Aaron will stop, he’s afraid of _everything._

            It's all his fault, too, because if he wasn't a fucking werewolf, if he was just normal, he could have Aaron. Aaron would actually like him if he got to know him better. But Ryan's _not_ , and lately, he's been hiding from his wolf side as thoroughly as possibly, just the thought of it sickening, so painful. He refuses to turn, not even once, just wants to hide from this horrible thing inside him that makes him have to say no to Aaron. 

            He's never gone two weeks before. His record was a week, and two weeks has him sleepless and fidgety, constantly on edge. He'd snapped at Aaron, and he's never _done_ that before. Aaron just asked him out, hopeful eyes and gentle voice, and Ryan all-but snarled _"stop asking."_

            He's been avoiding Aaron since, ashamed and angry and just so upset with his entire fucking life. The only saving grace he has is that it’s Friday, reading week starting after this weekend, and Ryan can go home, escape the trappings of this. It won’t be _fun_ there, his mother and older sister treating him like he’s - just - he doesn’t _like_ that part. But at least he’ll be mostly on his own.

By the time he gets to his apartment, his body's weary with keeping the wolf side locked away; it doesn't help that the full moon was yesterday and Ryan ignored it. The need to turn sets him on fire, persistent and begging, an urge that throbs in his chest until he can't think about anything else. 

            He isn't home for six seconds before someone knocks on the door. Ryan feels ridiculously like sobbing with frustration. 

            "Please?" Aaron calls through the door. Ryan opens it reluctantly, lets Aaron in. He stays a few feet away, because being near Aaron definitely doesn't help anything. The wolf side wants him unapologetically, instinct untroubled by all the reasons Ryan can't have him. 

            "Are you going to ask again?" Ryan says quietly. Aaron smiles. 

            "That too," he says. "but - also. I just want to know why."

            "Why," Ryan echoes, and he can’t tell Aaron that, can't tell him _I’m not normal, I'm a fucking monster, if you knew you wouldn't like me._

            "Yeah. Please, Ry? I really like you, honestly. I know I usually don't do anything seriously but this -this would be. I want this. You. So much, please?"

            "I can't," Ryan begs, "I can't Aaron, you don't understand" he aches to just grab Aaron and hold onto him, just wants to be _his_. And he has to stand here and just – explain why he _can’t._

            "So tell me so I can," Aaron says gently, all this compassion that Ryan doesn't even deserve. 

            "I _can't_." Something has to give, it has to, because he's fighting everything, fighting telling Aaron the whole truth, fighting hysterical sobs, fighting the wolf side as it whimpers and howls to be closer to Aaron. Ryan's just too tired, torn too many different ways, and Aaron's standing here and he deserves to know why someone as perfect as him can't have what he wants, to know that the person he wants is barely a human at all, that Ryan's been keeping this from him always - 

            "Please go," Ryan whispers, covers his face with his hands, struggles to breathe evenly "please please-" He can’t – can’t keep doing this, too many things to hold onto, he just _can’t take it._

"Ryan," Aaron doesn't go, he comes closer, hands soft on Ryan shoulders, like he could make this better, like he isn’t the problem, and Ryan wishes Aaron could fix it for him, but he _can’t,_ "no, please-" 

            Everything just hits Ryan, the hopelessness and the anger at himself and how much he wants Aaron and how he's _right here_ , he’s here and _wanting_ Ryan and Ryan still _can't have him_.

            And Ryan just loses it. 

            He _turns,_ right there with Aaron in front of him, because Ryan was trying to hold off too many things and something had to give and the wolf side's howling and pushing just got too strong for him. Ryan's paws hit the floor and he wants to curl up and die. 

            "Ry," Aaron says, this strangled voice, "Ry, Ryan, are you- fuck, are you okay? What the fuck's going on?!"

             Ryan just can't take it, he can't. He bolts for the bedroom, before Aaron can see anything more. He can hear Aaron's stunned "holy fuck," as he pushes the bedroom door open. _Aaron knows_. He knows now, and Ryan tries to turn back, tries so hard, but he won’t be getting control back tonight. It's been too long, the wolf’s hold on him too strong. He hears Aaron's footsteps, runs and hides in the closet before Aaron gets to the door. 

            "Ryan?" Aaron calls. "Ryan please-" 

            Ryan crawls under a pile of clothes, slinks into the comer and curls up there, silent and trembling.

 _Aaron knows he knows he knows he knows –_  

            "Ryan," Aaron pleads. "Come on, Ry, please." The bedroom door opens, "dude, come on, are you okay? Please tell me this - is normal, just - fuck, Ryan! Are you okay?" It sounds like he's looking though the room, and Ryan whimpers, something inside him just- breaking. Aaron is so worried, maybe he'll think this is a one-time thing- but he won't, he'll have figured it out. "Ryan," Aaron says softly, and Ryan hears him kneel down on the floor outside the closet. "I won't- if this is normal for you- please tell me it is, I really hope so, okay, I'd be less worried. You can understand me, right?"  

            Ryan gives a little bark, because Aaron sounds so distressed, it hurts, as if this wasn't all painful enough already. "Okay, um. Um, um, fuck. Once for yes, twice for no, okay? Are you okay?" One bark, and Aaron gives a relieved little sigh. "Can - can I open the door?" Ryan whimpers and barks twice. 

            "Okay," Aaron says softly. Ryan can't help the whimpers that escape him, little puppy cries, as he curls up tighter against the corner. Aaron still isn't going away and he should, he shouldn't get himself involved in this disaster. Everyone who's tried to help in any way - it always drives them away in the end. No one can suffer through a problem when there's no end in sight. Ryan wishes Aaron wouldn't try, because then maybe he can stay, if he keeps as far away from this curse as possible. At the same time, he just wants to let Aaron hold him, let Aaron make it better for just a few minutes. That's all he wants, a break from all this just for a little while, exactly what he can't have, because if he lets Aaron touch this, even in an attempt to make it better, it'll push him away in the end. 

            "You better be okay," Aaron says gently, "and this better not be a really elaborate way of getting out of a date with me, because I am not deterred here. This is a seriously bad plan, being an adorable as hell puppy isn’t gonna do a thing. You’re gonna have to try harder to avoid me here." 

            Ryan whimpers a little, scoots closer to the door so he can hear Aaron's voice clearer. When he pushes his nose under the crack under the door, he can smell Aaron, makes him feel so much closer. 

            "I forgot to call and cancel my reservation," Aaron says thoughtfully, "dude, I hope you appreciate the terrible reputation I’m creating for myself here. Restaurants hate me. But, I mean, I'd do that for you, okay. I'll tick off restaurants for you anytime."

            Ryan whines, presses closer against the door. He aches to be in Aaron's arms, a moment of right before everything goes to hell. Ryan tries so hard to turn back, but control slips through his fraying grasp, further and further beyond him as his panic cycles in on itself, a vicious tearing from hurt to anxiety to fear. He clings onto what Aaron's saying, tries to steady himself on it, stop thinking _he’s going to leave don't leave please don’t leave I need you I need you so much and you're going to leave._

            "And it's totally your fault, because I'm not crazy, it's because you're like, impossible to resist, okay." Aaron says, "So when all the restaurants get a restraining order for me, it'll be an act of like- devotion, okay." Aaron draws in a slow breath, "if you wanna- I'm here, for- if like- cuddling would make you feel better. Also, I like puppies." 

            Ryan makes a broken whimpering sound, little cries he can't stop. Doesn't Aaron get that he _wants_ to, wants to so _bad,_ get that he can't? The wolf part of Ryan wants to snuggle against Aaron and be pet, and Ryan himself just wants to sob into Aaron's chest for how fucking _hard_ every day is, for this curse that makes it feel like he's always on the verge of being ripped apart. 

            "Whenever you're ready, though. It doesn't have to be today, even. You have a free pass that doesn’t even expire. Well, not like that’s new. You’ve always had that. Uh, well,” Aaron pauses, “okay, I hope that didn’t like – weird you out, or something. Sorry.”

            Ryan’s a wolf, and Aaron’s worrying _he’s_ weird for wanting to cuddle his best friend. Ryan loves Aaron so much it hurts sometimes.

            “But, again, this is on you, because you just _ask_ for it, okay, and I just can’t be expected to help it. Like, um. There was that one time, when we went to Tofino, and we were surfing, and I fucking wiped, it was pathetic. And you practically fell off your board and drowned, you laughed so hard. And I really wanted to kiss you then, and it was like – I totally knew what it would be like, because you’d taste like – like saltwater, and you’d be cold from the water but warm from the sun, and just – at the same time, I didn’t know what it’d be like, and I just – I _want_ to know.” Aaron sighs out a breath, quiet for a moment. “And then, when we went to Whistler together, and I almost dropped my glove off the skilift and you caught it, I wanted to kiss you then, too. And not like, because you saved my glove, you so don’t need more ego-stroking on that one – okay, _fine,_ it was totally cool reflexes, you were right – but also, you looked so proud of yourself, it was fucking adorable.” Ryan whines, scratches one paw against the door, wants to _see_ Aaron, can’t. “So, yeah, then. A lot. And then, um. Remember that one game, on the Vipers? We played those assholes in the green jerseys. And you got hit real bad, remember? And that asshole even had the nerve to try and start shit with you afterwards, and you were just really upset, and like – it looked like you were going to _cry,_ I wanted to just – protect you and kiss you and make it better. A lot. And I’m under-exaggerating here, I really wanted to take you away and hold you like, in bed, just, safe somewhere and just us. You have no idea, the amount of intensely romance-y things I want to do to you. I daydream about just holding your hand, okay, I am the definition of having it bad.”

            Ryan whimpers brokenly, sad, helpless little cries. Aaron _shouldn’t_ want him, just shouldn’t, deserves so much better than _this._

            “Fuck, Ry,” Aaron says, sounds distressed again, “I _really_ want to open the door.” Ryan can only whimper, wants Aaron to as much as he doesn’t, everything just so confusing and _hard._ “I won’t,” Aaron says, so soft, “I just wanna help, I’ll do anything” He swipes his fingers under the door, and Ryan noses at his fingertips, whimpers. “I don’t know what to do here,” he says quietly, “I just want to make everything better.”

            Ryan just whimpers and curls in close against the door, as close to Aaron as he'll let himself get.

            “ _Can_ I make it better?” Aaron asks, so, so quiet, “is there anything that – that I can do? Please?” Ryan stays silent, and Aaron exhales shakily. “Do you – do you want me to leave?” he asks, so sad and little and _defeated,_ and Ryan’s never heard Aaron sound like this, and it’s all his fault. Ryan whimpers, barks once for yes. “Okay,” Aaron doesn’t get up right away, though, sits there in silence for a few long moments. “If you need me, though, tell me, please? I’ll come back as soon as you need me."

            Ryan needs him now, always, but he doesn't stop Aaron from leaving, and his hesitant footsteps fade into silence

                                                            -----------

            Aaron can't sleep. He can't stop thinking about it, because Ryan - Ryan's a werewolf. That's the only thing this could be. Aaron’s heard of that, vaguely. He’s not sure on the details, but he knows there are a reported handful of people out there.

            Except it's not even that. Aaron's not lying awake at 4AM thinking about just that. It's also the way Ryan was trembling and angry and falling apart, the way he was on the verge of tears, and Aaron's never seen Ryan break like that before. Ryan's always a little edgy, tightly wound and stressed, but he never breaks. Not like this. And Aaron just hates the thought that everything became too much for Ryan, that he's been suffering before he hit this breaking point. 

            And the werewolf thing. Aaron can't even imagine how _hard_ that has to be. He'd wanted to stay until Ryan talked to him, but Ryan had made it pretty clear that he wanted Aaron gone. Aaron stayed for as long as he dared, just so Ryan knew he wasn’t alone. That's Aaron's worst fear about this, because he knows Ryan usually tells him everything, and if Ryan wasn't telling him any of this- did Ryan have anyone at all?

            Aaron manages to wait until 7AM before he starts trying to contact Ryan, and that's a huge exertion of patience. Ryan doesn't pick up the phone, doesn't answer any texts, but that doesn't stop Aaron from spending all day trying. 

            He's too scared about what Ryan must feel, too worried about him, just loves Ryan too fucking much, to just give up.

            All of reading week goes by like that. Aaron writes two papers, gets ahead on his reading, plays in a few hockey games that don't feel right without Ryan at his side, and spends the rest of his time trying to get through to Ryan. By the time Monday finally, _finally_ arrives, Aaron's dying for _anything_ from Ryan, just to know that he's okay. Ryan's first class is in Buchanan and Aaron's is in the business buildings, so Aaron cuts out of class early to make sure he can catch Ryan before he disappears. When Ryan finally comes out to the hallway, it takes Aaron a moment to remember how to breathe, because Ryan's _okay_ , he really is, and the relief Aaron feels just sweeps him away. 

            "Ryan!" he gasps out, and this time he doesn't bother holding back, just tackles Ryan in a hug, holds him tight. "Where the fuck have you been, dude, I haven't slept for a week." It looks like maybe Ryan didn't either, he looks so exhausted and weary. 

            "I went home," Ryan sounds so tentative, like he's trying to puzzle out why they're talking, afraid of the answer. Aaron releases Ryan only reluctantly, wants Ryan back in his arms the second he lets go. 

            "Okay, well, what're you doing the rest of today?"

            "Aaron," Ryan says, this sad, tired tone that makes Aaron want to hug him again. At this point, if Aaron had his way, he'd never let go. "You don’t- don't have to-" he waves a hand as if to indicate something, "I'd understand," he says quietly, but his gaze is downcast and there's a tense set to his shoulders. Aaron gives into the impulse and hugs him again. 

            "Fuck that," he says, "now what're you doing? Because I’m coming, and we're talking and I'm not going anywhere." 

            "I have a couple apartments to go look at," Ryan says, still looking down. 

            "Well, cool," Aaron tugs him forward by the elbow, "I'll drive." 

            Ryan follows so willingly, it breaks Aaron's heart a little. Some part of Ryan must have genuinely thought Aaron wouldn't be back. Judging by the worried little looks he casts at Aaron when he thinks Aaron isn't looking, Ryan doesn't seem entirely convinced that Aaron still wants to stay. 

            When they're in the car, Aaron doesn't ask anything right away. After a block, Ryan makes this defeated little sighing sound, gaze fixed on his hands in his lap. 

            "So," he says, and Aaron recognizes this as the invitation for questions that it is. 

            "How long has this been happening?" Aaron asks. He wants to reach over and touch Ryan somehow, because Ryan's jaw is tight and his knee bounces nervously. 

            "Since forever." Ryan says quietly, "my whole life."

            Aaron bites back the torrent of repetitive questions this brings up - _even when we met? Even during high school? Even during championships last year?_ \- and goes on. 

            "Where is this place?" he asks, and Ryan blinks, disoriented. 

            "Oh, uh. Up Broadway. By Macdonald."

            "Were you - no laughing, okay," Aaron says, and Ryan gives this dry laugh that makes Aaron's need to touch him intensify, because he knows bitter and guarded from Ryan well enough to recognize it by now. "Were you bitten or something?"

            "No, it's genetic. Well- not hereditary. It's a genetic fuck-up," Ryan says, something sharp fringing the words. 

            Aaron's quiet as they park, walk towards the apartment. The way Ryan nearly spat _genetic_ is like a sign with words he can't remember how to read, written in capital letters that scream of how important the words are. 

            _Genetic._

            Ryan talks to the guy that lives there, frowns at the fact that the ad misled him to think single bedroom meant living without a roommate when in fact another guy is already living here. 

            Aaron stands to the side in silence as they talk, watches Ryan. The word genetic- Aaron _remembers_. He once asked Ryan what his dad does, and Ryan had said "he's a geneticist" with a harsh bite, and suddenly, Aaron has even more questions, ones he isn't going to ask. 

            They head back to the car, and Ryan tells him where the next place is, a bit further downtown. 

            "Does it hurt?" Aaron asks as they sit at a stoplight. 

            "Turning?" Ryan says, and for some reason, the fact that he has a whole set of vocabulary Aaron never knew just hurts, just another way Ryan is alone. "No," he says, but his voice is too quiet to make Aaron believe this is the whole truth. "The way it feels when I don't often enough- that fucks with me," Ryan admits after a long pause. 

            "Oh," Aaron says, wants to hug him so badly, somehow keep him safe from all of this. He doesn’t want to imagine Ryan agonizing over something in secret, doesn’t want it to have been happening, happening _all along._ "So you can do it- when you want?"

            "Kinda," Ryan picks at a thread on his jeans, doesn't look up. "I have to do it kinda often, otherwise it just- really gets to me. It's like… how if you don't eat, you won't up and die, but you won't feel great either and it's like. All you can think about." He sighs out a breath, looks out the window. "If I put it off, I have less control over it once I turn, like, I won't turn back for the rest of the night." Aaron thinks of sitting outside the closet, listening to the sad puppy whimpers, and somehow, every new piece of information is making this all even sadder, more painful.

            "What about a full moon? Myth?"

            "Pretty much. But it makes me need to turn like twice as badly." Ryan rests his forehead against the window, fingers tapping against his knee restlessly. 

            "It sounds hard," Aaron says without really meaning to.

            "It is," Ryan says softly.        

            When they get out of the car a few minutes later, Aaron has a hard time fighting the urge to just- touch Ryan, hold his hand, hug him, something, a compulsion to show him _I’m here, with you, not going anywhere._ This apartment is a single bedroom, but the monthly rate makes Aaron cringe, and he isn't even the one that would be paying it. There's no way in hell Ryan can afford this, so they end up heading back to the car. 

            "One more thing," Aaron says as he turns the car back on. "Is this why you wouldn’t go on a date with me? Because I know now, so we totally can now." He wants it to be, because this, this wouldn’t be his fault, this would be fine, if it’s just Ryan worrying he wouldn’t accept this, it’s okay, because Aaron _does,_ he loves every little thing about Ryan, this isn’t a problem.

            "That's not the only reason why," Ryan mumbles, and Aaron didn't think he could feel worse, but now he does. Now, he doesn’t have anything left. 

            "Oh. So it’s really - just, yeah. You don't- like guys- or-you just don't like me."

            Ryan makes this choked-off little sound, like the sad whimpers Aaron heard from him that night, little puppy cries that broke his heart. 

            "It's definitely not you," Ryan says, "it's- the thing."

            "So then- we can now?"

            "No," Ryan says, but when Aaron meets his gaze for a moment, he doesn't see a _no_ on his face. 

            "Anyways," Aaron goes on, can't talk about that anymore, just can't, because he just wants Ryan _so much_ , and being told that they can't even try- it just hurts. "Don't- don't keep this from me anymore, please? You need- someone. Please?"

            "Yeah," Ryan says, and he sounds relieved. Aaron catches his hand and squeezes it for a quick second; Ryan looks down, smiles. 

            Aaron hates the thought that things were never really okay on Ryan’s side of things, but at least now, he can work on making everything closer to okay. 


	3. Chapter 3

            Ryan meets Aaron in the forestry building after class, way at the back of the library where no one goes. Aaron's already at their couch, the one pushed up by the window, his papers spread out over the table. Ryan sinks down beside him, lets his backpack hit the floor. 

            "Hey, dude," Aaron says, smiles at him, "how was the midterm?"

            "Fucking awful," Ryan sighs out, shakes his head bitterly. "I just- should have studied better." 

            "Dude, all you've done is study," Aaron points out. Ryan shrugs a shoulder. He's been studying for the midterm he just took and the one Friday for three weeks, but focusing has been so hard. His lease ran out and he could only find a place with a roommate, and Jeremy's nice enough but Ryan can't stand living with someone. He hasn't turned in over two weeks, and the need to just _overtakes_ him, makes him taut with nervous energy, so frustrated with everything he feels like a _wreck_. The stupidest things make him wrathfully angry, and he nearly cried with frustration when he couldn't find his keys this morning. And there's no end in sight, his roommate is home whenever he is and Ryan can't find a single-bedroom-apartment deal like his old place and he just has nothing he can _do._  

            "Ry, I watched you study for hours, okay," Aaron says, nudges Ryan's knee with his. “It’s not your faul-”

            "I can't focus," Ryan blurts out, feels ridiculously like sobbing, so hard to hold himself together, "I can't- can’t do anything - I can't study and it's so hard to write papers and that test was so much harder than it should have been and I'm fucking _exhausted_ but I can barely sleep and I can't sit still and I just can't _handle_ anything!" He buries his face in his hands, fights sobs and the wolf side's incessant howling, begging and pleading to be let out, it just _won’t go away,_ he just wants to be left _alone,_ for it to stop, because it hounds him and he can’t make it go away, _why won’t it go away_. 

            "Ry," Aaron says, hugs him tight. "You should've told me before it got to this point. It'll be okay, though." He says this like it could be _true,_ and that angers Ryan as much as it hurts, because Aaron has _no idea,_ he _doesn’t,_ it’s _not going to go away._

            "It won't! My roommates always home when I am, I can't- can’t- he _can't know_! No one can know!" Ryan nearly snaps, hates himself for it instantly. Aaron seems unfazed, just rubs his back soothingly and doesn't flinch away, even though Ryan wants to sob _you can’t either why do you know I wish I could take it back and why do you know._  

            "So come to my place.  I already know. And you've got another midterm in two days, you can't keep this up until then." His words are rational, but his voice is a little unsteady; Aaron's worried about him.  

            "Okay," Ryan hears himself say, even though he wants Aaron as separated from this thing as possible, doesn't want this to touch what they have. "Okay. I- thanks," he manages, suddenly could cry from the wave of relief. It'll be fine, he'll get through it now, the screaming urge inside him can be quieted, he'll feel normal again soon. 

            "Tonight?" he asks hopefully; Aaron smiles. 

            "Yeah, come over whenever."

            "I have class really late," Ryan says, anxiety riled up at the thought of his stupid sociology class going until 7pm, having to make it until then. 

            "Come right after, you can stay the night and all. Just gotta make it till tonight." he hugs Ryan, presses his lips to Ryan's temple for a split second before going back to studying. 

            Ryan knows Aaron shouldn't have done it, but all the same, something in him just... calms. 

 

            By the time Ryan finally gets to Aaron's, his anxiety is back in full-force, the wolf side frantic with the desire to see Aaron, warring with the need to keep him away from this forever. Ryan just – wants everything at once, wants Aaron as much as he wants Aaron far away from this, and when he wants everything like this, he’ll _never_ have what he wants.

            "Hey," Aaron greets him at the door, "I'm just studying and stuff, c'mon."

            "Thanks," Ryan follows him, and it feels wrong, being near Aaron with the wolf side running so rampant inside him; he used to avoid Aaron on days like this, days when struggling to act normally was just outside his capabilities. Now, though, now it feels like Aaron's making it better. He hates that it has to come to this, involving Aaron in this even a little. 

            Aaron goes to the couch, pulls his textbook back onto his lap. "Feel free to join," Aaron offers warmly. Ryan nods, wants to say so much and just can't manage it. He slips into the washroom to turn and it takes a good ten minutes of staring at the door before he can work up the nerve to leave. 

            It's like he has two sets of instincts, one drawing him to Aaron, the other fighting to stay away, whimpering in shame. He pads over towards the couch, sits on the floor at the other end from Aaron. Aaron's right there, while he's a wolf, and it feels so _wrong,_ like Ryan needs to fix this now, get far away from Aaron before Aaron sees what he is. 

            Ryan forces himself to stay put, peeks around the side of the couch. 

            "Hey," Aaron says, glancing up briefly, "I'm just doing my French paper." He's got his laptop on the couch beside him, textbook open over his lap. "C'mon," he adds gently. Ryan doesn't know if he'd ever be able to articulate it, the relief he feels when Aaron says that, not a question and not a suggestion. Ryan climbs up onto the couch, slowly walks over. He lies down a few feet away, can't make himself get closer. Aaron goes back to typing, looking between the screen and the laptop. 

            "This fucking paper," he mumbles under his breath, "the fuck do I know about existentialism..."

            Ryan inches a little closer, a little more, until he's close enough to nose at the textbook. He peeks over the edge, watches Aaron type. 

            Aaron curses under his breath some more, taps at the delete button, clicks to a dictionary site, mutters about the lack of words in the French language. These sounds are so familiar that Ryan can relax a little, fall past the warring anxieties in his mind. He's half asleep when he feels something touch him and he jerks awake, growling and scrambling backwards, nearly trips over his own tail in his panicky haste. 

            "Sorry," Aaron says, sounds devastated, "you look soft." 

            Ryan lies back down where he is, curls up in a ball. He wants Aaron to touch him, he does, gentle petting to lull him to sleep, but at the same time, he just can't.  He can't, because this is _Aaron_ , and he wants to keep Aaron forever, not lose him to this, Aaron shouldn’t _be_ here, he should be keeping Aaron _safe_ from this. 

            Aaron goes back to his paper for a little while before he looks back at Ryan. "I won't touch you," he says gently, "you can come back, if you want." Ryan wants to hide as much as he wants to climb into Aaron's lap, but he does neither. He creeps forward a little, until he's only a few inches away from Aaron.  

            "See?" Aaron says softly, and how Ryan wishes there was petting with his gentle words, but no, no he doesn't. "Poor baby," Aaron murmurs. He goes back to his paper and Ryan watches for a while before he starts to fall asleep. He hasn't slept well in over a week, the wolf side too restless and agitated to let him sleep, only getting worse with every passing day. 

            Now, though, with Aaron a steady presence beside him, terrifyingly and comfortingly close, Ryan can finally sleep. 

\-----------

            Friday evening, Aaron has no plans. He also kind of does, though, because he saw the way Ryan was fidgety and exhausted today, and Aaron's waiting to see if Ryan comes over. Aaron kind of thinks he will; he texted Ryan 'batman marathon, free 2 join' and while Ryan only sent back 'lmao batman' Aaron knows he’s considering it. He's learned to read Ryan on a whole new level, discern between normal stress and the pent-up stress that builds when he hasn't let himself turn. In the past couple days, Ryan's been both kinds of stressed, but his midterm's over now, so Aaron can work on the other problem. 

            He's fifteen minutes into the movie when there's a knock at the door, and Aaron can't help but be thrilled. He shouldn't- Ryan's here because the suffering has gotten to him- but maybe that's not the only reason. And even if it is, Aaron can help make it better now. He can _do_ something, and that’s all he ever wants.

            "How was your test?" Aaron asks as Ryan comes in. 

            "Better," Ryan sighs, "I hate Beowulf." he glances into the living room, and actually smiles a little, "we've gone over this. Batman's just a rich brat with a lot of toys." Aaron grins. He's had to redouble his efforts to get close to Ryan, but it's even more worth it now, knowing that he's really getting to know Ryan, know _everything,_ and that Ryan _wants_ him to. 

            "The fact that he's a normal guy just makes him more impressive," he says and Ryan just laughs. He wanders off to the hallway and Aaron goes back to the couch to listen for the sound of little paws against the floor. 

            Ten minutes later, he hears it, and then Ryan climbs up onto the other side of the couch. He's a tiny little thing; Aaron always envisioned werewolves to look like the one on their hockey jerseys- huge, terrifying, wolves that can walk on two legs. This is wrong; Ryan's like a puppy, kind of reminds Aaron of a German shepherd or a husky, about as big as a 2-month old one. 

            "Hey," Aaron says, casual like this is nothing when he really wants to pet him and cuddle him. Aaron likes puppies and really likes Ryan; putting them together is practically unfair. Ryan whines a little. "That better not be dog speak for a dig at batman." This gets him a little growl. "I knew it. You're a brat."

            When he looks over again, Ryan has inched a little closer. "I won't touch you," Aaron promises softly. He hadn’t been able to resist it last time, but then Ryan had flipped the fuck out, and it _hurts_ , how sad that is. Ryan scoots closer, little by little. Aaron tries not to watch, to act like this is completely normal. Completely normal- just his best friend who happens to be a werewolf the size of a puppy and Aaron just happens to want to pet him, no big deal. 

            He nearly yelps out loud when something cold touches his hand. He manages to stay calm, looks down to see Ryan nosing at his hand, ducking under so Aaron's hand is on his head. He squirms, looks up at Aaron. Ryan wants Aaron to _pet_ him, Aaron’s just so ridiculously happy, because this has to be good, has to be _progress._ Aaron pets him gently, Ryan’s fur soft under his hand. 

            "You're even cuter as a puppy," Aaron grins, rubs Ryan's little ears. "Why you letting me today?" he wonders out loud. Ryan looks up, and Aaron swears there's sadness in his dark eyes. Ryan nuzzles against his hand, whimpers. "You can trust me, you know." Ryan whines, sounds displeased. "Okay, so that's not it." Ryan gives a soft bark in agreement. "Hmmmm."

            Aaron pets him in silence for a while, until the end of the movie. "Right back," Aaron says, standing. Ryan watches him take out the DVD, head on his paws. Aaron looks around for another DVD, but he must have left it in his room. He heads out of the room, goes to look through his desk. It's a mess, as usual, and he looks for a good five minutes to no success. Aaron flinches when he feels something touch his ankle. A pitiful whine follows this. 

            "Sorry," Aaron says, looks down to see Ryan sitting on the floor, watching him.  "Need something?" he asks, but Ryan shakes his head no. "Okay then," Aaron goes back to looking, and Ryan just watches him, lying across Aaron’s foot. He follows when Aaron crosses the room, and to the kitchen. Aaron finds his DVDs on the counter for no apparent reason, and Ryan follows him back to the living room. Aaron pops in the DVD, realizes he left the remote somewhere. "Right back," he says, and Ryan slinks over to the couch. Aaron finds the remote in his room, near his phone, which blinks with a message. He texts Brett back to tell him the essay topic Brett’s  asking about, shoots off a text to Theresa to ask if she knows the word count requirement. He then heads back into the living room, and Ryan barks at him, watches him come sit back down. He nuzzles at Aaron's hand as soon as he's near.

            "Miss me?" Aaron teases, and Ryan whimpers, hangs his head. "Oh." _Oh._ Why does everything have to be sadder than Aaron ever knew? It _hurts,_ all these little things he finds out, everything just so sad. He strokes down Ryan's back, gentle. "You get lonely, don't you?" Ryan doesn't look at him, curls up a little tighter. "Poor baby," Aaron murmurs, "it'll be okay." Ryan inches closer until he's lying against Aaron's leg, looks up at him quietly. There's just so much Aaron wants to know, things he has to wait to be offered to him. 

            For now, this is all Ryan is asking him to do, and Aaron can handle that. He doesn't want Ryan to be so alone again, either. 

\----------

            "I'm starving," Aaron says, as Ryan shoves his gear bag into the trunk. 

            "Should this be news to me?" he tosses in his stick, shuts the trunk door. 

            "Says the guy who eats twice as much as me, okay." Aaron grins at him; it's nearly the end of March, so standing in the parking lot of the rink at nearly 11pm isn't unbearable like it would have been at the beginning of the season. "We should get something, anyways." Ryan frowns a little. "Not as a date, okay. Don't worry." Aaron smiles, but Ryan can hear the twinge of hurt in his voice, and that, that's all his fault. Aaron never asks for anything, and now he's just quietly asking for Ryan himself, like Ryan's something perfect and all he has to do is let Aaron love him, and Ryan can't even give him that. 

            "Fuck," he mumbles, because Aaron's smile isn't even the right kind of happy, a little too hurt, a little too nervous. And Ryan doesn't think, nothing beyond the need to make Aaron stop hurting , because Ryan knows how that _feels_ , knows every different kind, and he just can't let Aaron feel that too, and never because of him.

            Ryan leans in and kisses him, soft and sorry, the entire world of silence and cold air focusing on just this, only this. Aaron makes a surprised little sound, one hand pulling at Ryan's jacket, bringing him closer as he licks into Ryan's mouth eagerly. Ryan jerks back when his brain finally catches up, and he's breathing kind of hard.             "Sorry," he mumbles, "I- I won't do that again."

            "Don't hold back," Aaron says lightly, and instead of a hidden hurt, there's just a kind of happiness, like he understands something Ryan doesn't about them. Maybe it's okay; maybe he can just trust that to Aaron, let him handle it. Ryan tips his head back, exhales slowly. 

            "I just can't," he says. Aaron squeezes his hand for a moment, like he's saying I _know_ , but his smile, that says _you can_.          

            Ryan won't, though. They can’t do this, they _can't_. Aaron can't get close, because if he does, Ryan will lose him, the same way he loses _everyone_. And Aaron's more important than anyone else, losing him will _hurt_. It'll hurt like nothing else, because that's the way everything with Aaron is- unique, unmatched, the most Ryan's ever felt of anything. 


	4. Chapter 4

            Two days later, Ryan's over at Aaron's place, getting his ass kicked at COD. Like always, because Aaron is unfairly good at this for someone who barely ever plays. 

            "Fucking really?" Ryan growls, when he gets sniped without warning. 

            "Not my fault your hiding places suck," Aaron smirks, "you'll just never win. Never." By some miracle, with five minutes left in the round, Ryan's ahead by one. "Enjoy the win while it lasts," Aaron says smugly, already looking for Ryan. 

            "No way, this times out and I get a win."

            "Unless I find you. Which I will."

            Ryan would really like to win once, and Aaron's smirking at him, maddeningly attractive, eyes bright because he just loves challenges, and Ryan blames that for what he does. He turns and kisses Aaron, and the sounds Aaron makes, Ryan _likes_ it, so he pushes Aaron back onto the cushion and kisses him hard. Aaron arches up to meet him, and Ryan bites at his lower lip, draws a moan out of Aaron. Ryan's just _always_ wanted to do this, every time Aaron gets all competitive, Ryan just _wants_ him, all to himself, it just lights something on fire inside of him. He kisses Aaron past the sound of the game timing out, distracted by the way Aaron pulls him down, makes needy little noises. Ryan's jeans have gotten kind of tight, and that's what makes him realize that _holy shit has this gone too far_ , and he pulls back abruptly. Aaron just looks at him calmly, like he's entirely happy, and even as Ryan cringes with regret, some part of him just likes that look on Aaron. 

            "I can't," Ryan says, as Aaron sits up. Aaron grabs his controller again, leans over and presses a kiss to Ryan's jaw. 

            "See if you can beat me fair and square this time," he says cheerfully. 

            It could be this easy.

            It's not, though, there's so much more to it than this, none of it good- but some part of Ryan just feels like this, with Aaron, it’s _natural_. 

\--------------------

            Finals start, but the stress of it just doesn't touch Aaron this semester. Him and Ryan are studying in their corner of the forestry building, and Aaron's trying to memorize details on foreign policy. It's a fucking ton of information to remember, but Aaron just doesn't feel all that stressed. 

            Ryan does, though, he's sitting beside Aaron scribbling notes on old English writing for some memorized portion of his exam, fidgety and anxious. Aaron really, really wants to kiss him, just cup Ryan's face in his hands and kiss him to say _calm down_ , say _you'll be fine_ , things Ryan only would believe through touch. 

            He hasn't kissed Aaron in a week; Aaron spends every day hoping he will. It's just so unexpected, and Aaron knows he can't push it, doesn't initiate it himself, but all this, it just makes him so happy. This is Ryan's emotions running away with him, doing what he won't allow himself to do - Ryan really _does_ want him, and slowly, he's starting to let himself have Aaron, even if it's just in impulsive bursts for now. 

            "You'll do fine," Aaron says, as Ryan taps his pen against the book. "There's an essay portion. So you'll do fine."

            "But the memorizing," Ryan sighs out, so _frustrated_. Aaron skims his fingertips over the inside of Ryan's wrist lightly, wants to kiss him. 

            "We're graduating. You get a free pass." He knows for a fact that Ryan's doing that thing again, when he refuses to turn and lets it wear on him. What Aaron hates about this is that he doesn’t know _why –_ how could this be better? What’s so terrible about turning that Ryan would rather be like this, anxious and frustrated, and the way he _looks_ at Aaron, it’s so agonizingly painful, like he’s begging to be released from himself, just wants _out_. Aaron doesn’t understand how anything could be worse than this.  

            Aaron wouldn't mind cuddling with Ryan as a puppy again, but Ryan hasn't asked, comes over just to study or play video games. Aaron loves it, but he just - worries. It's no different from the way he keeps an eye on Ryan on the ice, the way he used to want to run and get a bandaid for Ryan when he got scraped during street hockey. He’s not allowed to do exactly what he wants then, either, and in the same way he can’t take off all Ryan’s gear to check for bruises, couldn’t sit him on the curb and patch up his scrapes, Aaron can’t convince him to turn and pet him until he falls asleep.

            "I dunno," Ryan sighs, looks over at him. He leans over and brushes a kiss over Aaron's lips, and Aaron has to stop himself from following him for more. Ryan looks away, goes back to his book like he never did it. It just fits so easily into the rhythm of who they are together, even if Ryan's mumbled "sorry," is the jarringly wrong note in an otherwise perfect symphony. 

            "Make it up to me by doing it again," Aaron grins. Ryan definitely wants to, and Aaron can't ask for it, but he can make it easy, make it _them._      

            "When's your next final?" Aaron asks, as if this happens all the time, kisses in the middle of conversations. He wishes it did. 

            "Tuesday. After yours." Ryan leans back against the couch, yawns into his hands. "Least hockey's over, not gonna play the night before."

            He'd missed the last game a week ago, their first and last playoff game. When Aaron had texted _why not_ in response to Ryan's simple _can't play,_ he'd just gotten back _full moon_ as a reply, just a _no_ in reply to his _want me to come over or anything_. Aaron hadn't played very well, worrying about Ryan the entire time. Ryan had an instrumental spot in the team's play, even if he didn't among the teammate camaraderie. He rarely talked to their teammates, although he did make up their slogans - _wolves never give up_ , and _wolves for life_. He seems to find the second one dryly amusing in its irony. 

            "We can do drop-in over the summer," Aaron says. Ryan nods, quiet again. He's looking at his book, and Aaron knows he's worrying about the final again. He really doesn't know how Ryan's even functioning at this point; this is Ryan's last final, because the rest were in a brutal Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday succession. And his roomie's favourite place to study is at home, so he's always there. Aaron's met Jeremy a few times, and the guy's perfectly nice, extremely patient with how short Ryan is with him sometimes. 

            "Just gotta make it to Tuesday," Aaron says. Ryan drops his head into his hands, nods. 

            "Tuesday."               

            Aaron just knows Ryan's five days are going to be so much harder than his. He leans over to press a quick kiss to Ryan's ear before going back to studying. 

            All he can do is be here, make sure Ryan knows that; after that, all he can do is wait. 

\-------------

            Ryan is so, _so_ relieved when his last exam is finally over. He's been studying nonstop and worrying and the entire time, the wolf side has been whining with increasing insistence. Ryan's been avoiding it, because he can only turn at Aaron's apartment now, and last time- last time the wolf side had gotten the better of him, so tired of being alone and so, so _lonely_. But it's a constant need now, itching under his skin, so as he leaves the exam he's already pulling out his phone. He doesn't want Aaron anywhere near this- _never_ \- but Aaron makes it _so much better_ , and Ryan hasn't had company as a wolf in so many years. And the wolf side loved being pet, didn't feel alone for the first time in years – the first time ever. 

            He sends a text to Aaron asking if he's free, and gets a reply almost immediately. 

            _yea still on campus, meet u at the SUB_

            Ryan can't help but wonder if Aaron's been waiting for him specifically, but the thought is kind of nice. 

            "Thought you'd never finish," Aaron says when Ryan finds him, and Ryan can't help but kiss him at that, looks away afterwards. 

            "I didn't mean to do that," he says, but Aaron just tugs on his belt loop and says "hurry up, unless you wanna do that again, that's fine," and smiles at Ryan. 

            It's a huge relief when they get home and Ryan can finally turn, the wolf's pent-up energy _finally_ released into something calmer, single-minded. He runs out into the living room right away, because even though Aaron _shouldn't_ be here, he _is_ , so he can pet Ryan again. He climbs onto the couch, pads over to sit next to Aaron. 

            "Hey," Aaron says, pets him when Ryan pushes at his hand. Ryan sets his paws on Aaron's leg, looks up hopefully. "Go ahead," Aaron says, and Ryan curls up on Aaron's lap happily, head on his arm. Aaron keeps petting him, and Ryan just _really_ likes this. No one’s ever pet him before Aaron. Maybe Aaron will play with him one day too. Ryan's exhausted, though, just wants to sit here in Aaron's lap, fall asleep as Aaron pets him. 

            A couple hours later, he's roused from sleep when Aaron shifts him onto the cushion gently. He whines, lifts his head. "I'm just going to bed," Aaron says softly, "it's okay, go back to sleep."

            Ryan tries, but the living room is so quiet without Aaron, the room just feels big and empty. Ryan curls up in the corner of the couch, listens as Aaron walks down the hallway. He lasts five minutes before it just _gets_ to him, because he's alone again and he doesn't _like_ that, and Aaron's just in the next room, and Aaron's his favourite person in the world, Ryan wants to be with him. 

            He whines, looks over towards the hallway, whimpers loudly when he hears Aaron go into the bedroom. 

            "What's wrong?" Aaron calls. Ryan whines again, little begging cries, hopes Aaron will come back so he's not alone anymore. He doesn't _like_ being alone, not at _all_ , and he always wants Aaron. "Wanna sleep in here?" Aaron asks. Ryan jumps off the couch, races into Aaron's bedroom, because _he’s not going to be alone anymore_. "Sorry," Aaron says as Ryan comes in, "I should've asked if you wanted to."

            Ryan goes over to the bed, but it's too high to jump on and he whimpers, sits beside it. Maybe Aaron didn't want him on the bed anyways. "Sorry," Aaron says again, but he's scooting over to the edge and then he reaches down and scoops Ryan up. He sets Ryan down near the pillows before lying back down next to him. "Better?" Aaron asks, stroking his back. Ryan crawls under the covers, curls up against Aaron's chest. "It musta been lonely out there," Aaron says softly, kisses the top of his head. "Poor thing." Ryan licks his hand to tell him it's okay now, nuzzles in close. He falls asleep as Aaron pets him, and he could get used to this, warm and happy and not alone and with Aaron. Maybe, dangerously, he already has.

 

            When Ryan wakes up, he feels so at-home where he is, warm and held tight. A few moments later, he realises exactly where he is, and tenses up. He's in Aaron's bed, wearing only boxers- and thank God he somehow keeps those when he turns back, the only good thing this curse has ever done for him- and Aaron's asleep beside him. Aaron's arm is wrapped around him, holding him close, one leg thrown over him. Ryan doesn't want to move, not _ever_ , but Aaron's waking up, and they _can't be doing this_. Ryan goes to scoot away, but Aaron tugs him back lightly. 

            "Don't have to go if you don't wanna," Aaron says sleepily. Ryan doesn't want to leave -but he should, he can't _do_ this-but he just wants to stay. Aaron's stroking the small of his back, and Ryan’s just so warm and close and he just doesn’t want to move.

            "Sorry I like- invited myself into your bed," Ryan says. Aaron laughs. 

            "What kind of asshole would say no to a puppy sleeping in their bed?" Aaron says, grins, "besides, it's you. And I happen to like you here, puppy and not."

            The way Aaron does that, that seamless acceptance of Ryan as himself, as a werewolf too, Ryan can't believe it's even possible, just loves it so much- loves Aaron for it, the way he loves Aaron for a million more things. He's just in love with Aaron. 

            Ryan kisses him without allowing himself to think, and Aaron responds happily, kisses back with a gentleness underlined by need. And it just- the whole thing feels so _good_ , feels like every morning should be like this. He bites at Aaron's lip gently, making Aaron moan, and the wolf side likes this, wants Aaron so badly, too. Maybe he should stop, because kissing Aaron is so good, because his erection's getting kind of obvious and Aaron's going to notice, because they just shouldn’t be doing this, but he doesn't want to stop, and Aaron doesn't seem to want to either, judging from the delighted little sounds he's making. Ryan rocks his hips against Aaron's experimentally, and Aaron gasps, hand pressing harder against Ryan's back like he wants Ryan closer. Ryan does it again, and the sounds Aaron makes are almost as good as the way it feels as he grinds against Aaron. 

            He doesn't mean to, he doesn't, but the wolf side runs away with him, sweeps away rational thought. He kisses Aaron again, one hand straying to Aaron's hip, tugging at the waistband of his boxers. Ryan just fucking _wants_ him, so badly, wants _everything_ , but Aaron pulls away. 

            "Ry," he says, sounds breathless, "dude, you sure,"

            "Sure?" Ryan repeats. 

            "I mean, d'you know what you're doing? Are you sure?" he stresses, even as his hips twitch forward helplessly. "I just- don't get me wrong, I want to, but- but do you?" The logic makes Ryan take pause, and it lets him get a handle on the wolf side better. And then realises what the fuck he's _doing_ and jerks back a little. Something hurt crosses Aaron’s face, but it’s quickly gone.

            "Sorry," Ryan says, but he's not, he wants to keep doing it- the wolf side's shoved away now but all that does is tone it down a little, rationality seeping in. "but- I-" he knows what he's doing, he just doesn't know if he _should_ be doing it. But he can't, because Aaron will leave- but he hasn't yet - but maybe he will later, too. Maybe Aaron leaving is inevitable, whether it's because this thing will push him away, or because Ryan can't be his. The only absolute Ryan has is that Aaron's here now and Ryan's always going to want him. 

            But- there's also the fact that Aaron's been here, and he hasn't left Ryan yet, not once. 

            "You gotta be sure," Aaron says gently, and he must have all kinds of self-control, because he's looking at Ryan calmly, perfectly still. Where they’re still pressed against each other, Ryan can feel the way Aaron's boxers are damp with precum, so hard he must be aching from it, and while Ryan's barely able to sit still, Aaron's just watching him placidly. 

            "I-" Ryan bites his lip, forces himself to stay focused. 

            He can't lose Aaron, he can't, he'd never survive that - but Aaron's here, he hasn't left yet. 

            "I'm sure I want you," he says, and maybe it's kind of a sidestep, but it's something he can promise, something that will be true no matter what. But maybe that can be good enough for now; it's been enough for him, convinced him to let Aaron get this close already. Aaron sighs out a little breath of relief, moans when Ryan kisses him again. This time, Ryan's not going to apologize for kissing him, and he never wants to regret it again. He rocks his hips against Aaron again and Aaron makes this choked little gasp. 

            "Fuck, Ry," he moans out as Ryan grinds against him. He turns his face against Ryan's shoulder, moans as he rubs against Ryan desperately. It sends a reeling thrill through Ryan when he feels how hard Aaron is, he never thought he’d be _here,_ he’s wanted Aaron since he figured out what it was to want someone like this, and Aaron’s making the most desperate sounds, Ryan can’t _believe_ this. Aaron whimpers, and Ryan has to realize how difficult it is for him, all this waiting, and he kisses Aaron for it, hard and wanting. He trails a hand over Aaron’s hip as Aaron ruts against him, helpless gasps that make Ryan feel like he’ll lose control, the best way possible. "Oh, fuck, fuck-," Aaron manages, groaning deeply as he rocks his hips against Ryan, goes still. 

            "You-" Ryan can barely speak, because Aaron's blushing and fidgeting. 

            "I just- couldn't help it-" he stammers. Ryan bites his lip, reaches down to shove a hand into his own boxers. One quick stroke and he's coming, spilling into his boxers, because fuck, Aaron actually _wants_ him and Ryan's never wanted someone so _badly_ before. 

            He kisses Aaron again, slow and gentle. Aaron's quiet for a few moments afterwards, but then he smiles like he got exactly what he was hoping for. 

            "Will you go out with me?" he asks, looks even more hopeful that before. Ryan bites his lip. He should say no, shouldn't have done any of this- but before, he thought he was ready to give Aaron up, want him from a distance forever. This, with Aaron, this is it, this is _everything,_ Ryan can’t let anything take this from him, not even the worst parts of himself _._  

            "Maybe," Ryan says, and Aaron smiles. 

            Ryan can't let Aaron go without fighting to keep him, and Aaron deserves the chance to stay. 


	5. Chapter 5

            The locker room is empty except for them; they were the last off the ice at drop-in. Aaron could have kept playing longer, because playing Ryan is even better now, an instincts-based game that lets them play harder and faster, an entirely new level of play. 

            The silence of the room makes him miss their Werewolves teammates. They were an impossibly high-spirited, empathetic bunch, and Aaron just _misses_ them, the silent locker room so different from their own. Everyone was always talking, and they were all so connected to each other. It was part of their biggest problem as a team- if a player got hurt, the rest were out for blood and if the mood got discouraged, they were down and out. It made wins and comebacks feel _amazing,_ though.

            "We need to find a new team," Aaron says aloud. 

            "Never gonna find one like them again," Ryan says as he untied his skates, "they were somethin’ else." 

            "I knew you secretly liked them," Aaron grins, elbowing him. Ryan rolls his eyes. 

            "They were insane," he says, but there's definitely some fondness there. He pulls at his elbow pad, always too lazy to actually undo the Velcro. Aaron's always found this endearing, so he leans over and kisses Ryan for it. Being allowed to do that is all kinds of thrilling, because he's wanted to, so badly, for so long. Ryan blushes a little, gives Aaron that smile, one that's new but fast becoming familiar and favourite.

            Ryan doesn't have to work today so he comes home with Aaron. Aaron still has one more final so he gets out his textbooks while Ryan showers. He's partway through the chapter on the French subjunctive when Ryan comes into the living room. He sits next to Aaron, curled into his side like he fits there. 

            "Hey," Aaron brushes a kiss to his jaw, slips an arm behind him. 

            "Subjunctive," Ryan sighs sympathetically, head on Aaron's shoulder so he can see the page. Aaron cards his fingers through Ryan's short hair absent-mindedly as he rereads the verb endings. Ryan makes these happy little sounds that kind of remind Aaron of the  noises he makes as a wolf- puppy, especially given the way Ryan's snuggled against him. Aaron did his studying like this yesterday and the day before, too, but it’s still hard to focus with Ryan right here. He tries to treat it like it’s completely normal, though, because the more this seamlessly slips into their normal life, the more okay with it Ryan seems. It feels like a victory when Ryan falls asleep on his shoulder, and Aaron presses a kiss to Ryan’s hair, careful not to jostle him awake. Ryan just always seems so exhausted, and when he isn’t, he’s tightly-wound and anxious. Aaron’s done extensive googling since finding out about the werewolf thing, and he has a theory about this now. He’s pretty sure that Ryan’s habit of only being a wolf while sleeping has to do with it, and that if he actually could work out that tense energy, he’d be more relaxed as a human. Aaron has a plan, now.

            He waits until his final is done and over with, and then he convinces Ryan to come over for wolf time; it’s been a week and a half, and Ryan’s way of turning without any real relaxation of all that energy makes him need it more often than a werewolf would normally.

            “We’re gonna go to the park,” Aaron announces, when Ryan’s turned into a wolf and peeks around the doorway at him. Aaron didn’t know puppies could glare, but, yeah, Ryan definitely gives him a _look._ “Shut up, you’ll love it.” He gets a growl in return that pretty clearly says _will not._ “Have I ever been wrong? About anything? No.” He’s definitely right on this one, too. No puppy gets enough energy worked out by running after a ball in a little apartment, and Ryan’s been antsy this week even when he wasn’t a puppy, restless and short-tempered. “If you hate it, we’ll come back. No  big deal.”

            Ryan seems to find this acceptable, because he follows Aaron out of the apartment, maybe a tiny bit sulkily. He perks up the littlest bit when they get there, but then, because luck just isn’t on their side, there’s a big German Shepherd already running around the field, chasing down a Frisbee as its owner talks on the phone. It trots over to Aaron and Ryan, seems friendly enough, just big, but then it barks and Ryan whimpers. He puts his paws up on Aaron’s knee and whines frantically, barks hysterically when the dog noses at him; Aaron scoops Ryan up and cradles him close, the whines fading into little whimpering cries. Ryan noses against him frantically, trying to squirm closer, hiding in the crook of Aaron’s arm.

            “You made my boyfriend cry,” Aaron accuses the dog, which just looks at him as if it _knows_ this is the weirdest situation in the history of ever. “You know what I mean.” He pets over Ryan’s ears gently, glares up at the dog’s owner, who doesn’t even see him, before heading off to find a different area. “You can’t judge it off that,” he says, still petting Ryan. Ryan whines pitifully. “C’mon, I have a better idea.” There’s the more forested area that starts just across the street, so Aaron leaves the park, heads in that direction. He’s pretty sure there’s some kind of leash law for the sidewalks - and oh, God, that’s not something he wants to talk about, it’s enough of a miracle that Ryan’s allowed them to go outside like this - so Aaron just keeps Ryan in his arms.

            “Cute puppy,” a girl says, when they’re waiting at the crosswalk.

            “Uh, thanks.” Aaron looks down; Ryan noses closer to him, hiding as best he can. “He’s - tired, so. Doesn’t wanna walk.” He’s glad when she goes in the other direction; Ryan looks up and makes an indignant little sound, puts a paw on Aaron’s chest. “You’ll forgive me, when you see this place,” Aaron says.

            Once there, he heads up one of the trails, goes a little ways until he’s sure it’s empty, then carefully sets Ryan down. Ryan just looks at him, one paw on Aaron’s shoe. “It’s okay,” Aaron says, “I gotta go running, anyways!” Ryan looks up at him, then down at Aaron’s shoe, which is a running shoe, then back up. “C’mon, you’re keeping me company,” Aaron urges. Ryan takes a few steps up the path, and when Aaron starts slowly jogging ahead, Ryan starts to run after him. By a little ways in, Ryan’s more enthusiastic about it, running alongside Aaron and ahead of him, yipping when he’s too slow. He’s tripped up by the bigger steps in the way, and dives into the bushes when a golden retriever and a woman come from the other direction, Other than that, though, Aaron’s pretty much decided he’s a _genius,_ because Ryan’s running circles around him and barking happily and all playful and happy.

            It’s a long hike for such a little puppy, so when he starts to slow down when they’re almost back, Aaron just carries him the rest of the way, cooing until Ryan falls asleep. “Lookit you,” Aaron murmurs, petting his ears, “you just needed to have fun, didn’t you?”

            Once home, Aaron puts Ryan on his bed to sleep, then goes to make dinner. It’s a while until Ryan comes into the kitchen, human and wearing Aaron’s shirt and jeans; he comes up as Aaron’s at the counter, touches the small of Aaron’s back. Aaron just turns and hugs him, and the way Ryan sighs happily makes Aaron think things are going to go better from now on.

0o0o0o

Ryan knew graduation would be bad, he just… didn’t know it could be _this bad._ He called his mom to invite her to his graduation because he just - he’s just so bad at letting go. Part of him wants things to be like before he could remember, _certain_ his parents loved him then; the rational part knows that there was never a time they weren’t horrified their kid was a werewolf. He just doesn’t want to _think_ about that, time it’s a mercy he can’t remember. He tells himself that when he turned as a baby, they didn’t just leave him in a crib and ignore him until he turned back, but being pet is such a foreign, thrilling thing to his wolf side that he knows he’s fooling himself, when he imagines that they used to be better.

She said she’d come, like he knew she would. She has to keep up appearances of being his mother, and his sister Kate comes too. His mom tells him that his dad is _working,_ which always makes Ryan’s stomach turn because he _knows_ what his dad’s working on, because when he isn’t working on normal vaccines, there’s - that other project of his.

So the day starts out badly. Ryan keeps his head down, meets them as close to the graduation as possible, suffers through it, finds them again afterwards, at the side of the courtyard as people slowly leave. His mother’s talking to someone she knows, and his sister gives him a look as he approaches, doesn’t say anything. Ryan doesn’t care; he likes listening to his mother talk. She’s saying “oh, we’re so proud” and “yes, he’s got a job lined up” in response to her friend’s questions about him, and this is the only way Ryan ever hears her say anything good about him, when she’s pretending in front of someone else. When the other woman leaves, his mom turns back to him.

“Guess I’ll see you… over the summer,” Ryan ventures.

“Yeah…” his sister looks down at her phone.

“Your dad said he’s made a lot of progress recently,” his mother says, business-like, “so possibly.”

“So… if...because..” she’s saying - _if_ there’s some fix to this werewolf thing, he can come back home? “Oh,” he manages, voice faint. “That’s - good. What if - it doesn’t work? I mean… I’m still the same person I would be, without it, right?”

“You’d be _human_ without it,” his sister puts in without looking up, so she doesn’t see him flinch. They really, really rarely talk about this in such certain terms, he wasn’t really expecting it to be _this much._

“I’m still - human,” he says, looks up at his mom hopefully. “I’m just… kinda...sometimes…”      

            “We’ll see you when you’re human,” his mom says briskly, but he _is_ human, he is, he’s just - sometimes not, but _he still is._

            “But I _am!”_ he bursts out, can’t _take this_ anymore, “I am, I’m still your _kid,_ it’s not my fault my genes got messed up! Nothing’s _wrong_ with me!”

            “Nothing’s _wrong with you?”_ his mother snaps, and Ryan flinches back, “you aren’t even _human,_ there’s nothing that went _right_ with you. God, I’d rather you were anything _else -_ had some kind of _curable_ problem, or behaviour issues, or gay, or _anything_ but this.”

            “I _am_ gay,” Ryan says, practically in tears now, this the only part of what she said that he can even stand to address.

            “Go figure,” his sister mutters under her breath. Ryan bites his trembling lower lip, struggles not to cry.

            “Don’t come back until you’re not a dangerous animal,” his mother says, and just like that, they leave Ryan there, about to cry and _alone._

0o0o0o

            The business school graduation is a huge affair, and it’s crowded when he finally manages to find his parents and brother afterwards. “I told you we needed a sign!” his brother says, grabbing Aaron in a hug as soon as he comes over.

            “I _know_ your sign would have been horrible,” Aaron laughs.

“Hey, all the ladies would have appreciated it! My phone number in neon!” Jason says, lets Aaron go so he can hug their parents. They gush about how proud they are of him and Aaron’s grinning from ear to ear as he follows them slowly through the crowd of people, so he can walk them to their car. They all had lunch together beforehand, and much as Jason tried to whine Aaron into taking him bar-hopping, Aaron really wants to find Ryan after all this. Ryan’s faculty had their graduation today too, and Aaron’s pretty sure anything that involves family will upset Ryan more than he’d admit to.

“ _Please,”_ Jason whines as they walk out.

“I’m seeing you _this weekend_ for that,” Aaron points out, “today is like, Tuesday. Who goes out on a Tuesday?”

“That’s what we’ll find out!”

            “I’m not sure - uh,” Aaron looks down when he feels something against his ankle, and oh, _fuck._ There’s a puppy nosing at him, and fuck fuck fuck that’s definitely Ryan as a wolf, frantically whining and pawing at Aaron’s ankle.

            “Hey, a puppy!” Jason exclaims, and Ryan hides behind Aaron’s legs, gives helpless little cries.

            “Shh,” Aaron kneels down, and Ryan’s in his arms immediately, squirms his way under Aaron’s jacket to curl up against him, trembling.

            “Did you get a dog and not tell me?” Jason asks suspiciously. Ryan’s still whimpering, even as Aaron hugs him close, stands back up.

            “It’s a _long_ story,” Aaron says, as Jason tries to pet him. “Uh, he bites. I wouldn’t.” Jason gives him a _look._ “Bitch,” Aaron says, and Jason rolls his eyes, this their _shut up, do what I say, trust me_ codeword.

            “Alright, alright. Call me, you fuck,” he says, throws an arm around Aaron’s shoulders to hug him; Ryan yelps and ducks further into Aaron’s zip-up jacket. After Jason leaves, Aaron looks back down at Ryan, who’s still trembling.

            “Baby,” he murmurs, gently pets Ryan’s ears, “did something awful happen?” Ryan whimpers, the same heartbreaking little puppy cries as the first time he turned in front of Aaron. This is even _worse,_ though, Ryan frantic and upset and shaking. And - fuck, Aaron lives too far to walk home, and he can’t exactly bring a wolf puppy on the bus, so he pulls out his phone, but pauses. “Ryan?” he says softly, “is it okay if I ask Jase to drive us home?” Ryan whimpers. “He’s super nice. I won’t tell him anything. And then we’ll get home sooner.” Ryan whines, but nods yes, so Aaron calls his brother.

            “I didn’t expect you to call me so soon!” Jason says happily. “So, what’s up?”

            “You’re gonna come pick me up.”

            “Do I have to?”

            “You love me, remember?”

            “Jerk. Ten minutes, across from the gym in the village.”

            Aaron heads over, Ryan still in his arms under his jacket, whimpering. “We’re gonna go home,” Aaron promises, petting him gently, “we’ll go home, and it’ll be just us, and everything will be okay.” Ryan licks Aaron’s collar, whining. He’s not trembling so much by the time Jason comes, and Jason gives Aaron a look as he gets in the passenger seat.

            “So,” Jason says, as he’s pulling away from the curb, “who’s the werewolf friend?” Aaron kind of chokes, and Ryan jumps, gives frantic little barks and paws at Aaron’s chest.

            “Shh, shh, it’s okay,” Aaron soothes; Ryan howls, frantic. “You don’t know that,” he tries to tell Jason, who rolls his eyes.

            “Do so.”

            “Nuh-uh!”

            “Yup. So who is it? Unless you just found a wolf puppy in the forest, which, you should probably put ‘em back.”

            “Jason,” Aaron warns; at a stoplight, Jason reaches over to pet Ryan, and predictably, Ryan yelps and hides in Aaron’s jacket. “It’s fine, it’s okay,” Aaron says to Ryan, makes a face at Jason. “He’s _scared_ of you.”

            “I’m good with werewolves!”

            “Since _when?”_

            “Katrina was a werewolf!”

            “You’re kidding.”

            “Nope. But, she was slightly different. She was more of a full-size wolf.” Jason shrugs, as if the news that his ex-girlfriend being a werewolf isn’t _slightly_ surprising.

            “Is that why you broke up?” Aaron asks. Ryan looks up at him, one paw on his chest.

            “Naah, that was because she cheated on me seven times. Seven, dude! She said she thought it was an open relationship, which, I’ve never even _heard_ of that. Excuse me for being so non-modern, but no, I don’t want to be-”

            “Jase, the _werewolf_ part?” Aaron prompts.

            “Right, yeah, that part. She was a werewolf.”

            “That’s it?”

            “That’s all the insight I got for you,” Jason shrugs. “It was cool. We’d go on hikes, have sex in the woods, and people would think I had a wolf for a pet.”

            “Uh, okay. Didn’t need to know the sex part.” Aaron can at least breathe easier now, sighs and pets Ryan’s ears gently. “So - okay. Cool.” He’s glad they’re almost home, because Ryan certainly doesn’t need any more shocks today. When Jason pulls up in front of the building, Aaron puts Ryan on his lap, reaches over to hug Jason. “I’ll call you, and stuff.”

            “Goddamn right,” Jason says, grins. “See you! Bye, puppy,” he adds; Ryan howls pitifully, backs away when Jason tries to pet him. Aaron carries Ryan upstairs, and can finally just sit with him on the couch and hold him. It’s a long time before Ryan really calms down, all curled up on Aaron’s chest. Aaron’s afraid to find out what happened, but since it’s graduation and everyone’s family was here, it’s not hard to guess what this is about.

            Evening rolls around, and Aaron sits up a little, intending to go make dinner; Ryan looks up quickly. “I’m gonna cook,” Aaron says gently, pets Ryan’s back, “think you can turn back? It’s okay if you can’t or don’t wanna yet, but I think you’d enjoy dinner more as a dude. Also, I wanna hug you.” Ryan noses against Aaron’s hand, nods a little.

            It takes a few minutes; Aaron just waits patiently, pets Ryan’s ears and slowly hums the Canucks’ goal song, because he’s thinking about the playoffs one year, when they won one of the games in the final round and Aaron tackled Ryan to the couch in a hug, screaming in his ear. And one moment, Ryan’s a wolf puppy and the next - Ryan’s back to human, sprawled on top of Aaron.

            “Hey,” Aaron says softly, kisses the top of Ryan’s head. “Go borrow my clothes and I’ll make us dinner.”

            “From the dresser or what?” Ryan asks, peeks up at Aaron.

            “Oh, anything. I just love seeing you in my clothes.” This makes Ryan smile a little, and he gets up to go to Aaron’s bedroom.

            He’s quiet all evening, and Aaron’s afraid to ask what happened today, because he’s never heard _real_ details about Ryan’s family before, and he’s just so afraid to have all his memories of Ryan re-painted with Ryan secretly in pain. After dinner, Ryan just wants to curl into Aaron’s side while Aaron flips through TV channels and pets over Ryan’s hair. He knows Ryan’s not going to offer up anything right now; even minor confessions take more work than that.

When they were kids and had a sleepover, Ryan pretended to be asleep for twenty minutes in the dark before saying in a little voice that he wished there was a nightlight. When they were in middle school and stayed up all night in their respective houses to study for a big test, it wasn’t until nearly midnight that Ryan texted Aaron to say he was afraid he’d fail and get held back and not be able to go to high school at the same time as Aaron. In high school, he was staying over at Aaron’s house a few nights after they got accepted to university, and nearing two AM, Ryan mumbled _sure you won’t be tired of me following you around?_ It’s always in the dark, so when it’s nearly eleven thirty, Aaron says “wanna sleep in my bed? Please?” and Ryan comes with him easily.

Aaron just holds him for a while; he half thinks Ryan’s fallen asleep, until Ryan shifts a little, curls his fingers tighter in Aaron’s shirt.

“Grad sucked,” he says, voice hoarse. Aaron presses a kiss to the top of Ryan’s head, waits. “My mom and Kate came.” He pauses for a moment again. “I can only go home when I’m human,” he whispers.

“Ry-”

“My dad’s spent like twenty years trying to fix the werewolf gene and I can only go home if it works, and sometimes I just really wanna go home,” Ryan blurts out, buries his face against Aaron’s chest. Aaron doesn’t know what to _do -_ what _can_ he do? This is all just - so much bigger than him, bigger than them, this huge question of what it is to be human that comes down to Ryan curled up against Aaron’s chest, miserable and so, so unhappy. 


	6. Chapter 6

 

Ryan’s asleep when his phone rings. It takes him a minute to wake up - he was having this _awful_ dream where he was a wolf and whimpering behind a babygate, and his nightmares are always just _memories,_ so it takes him a minute to remind himself he’s here, not there anymore - and he grabs for his phone, answers.

“H’llo?” he yawns, head still buried under the pillow.

“Hello Ryan.”

 _“Dad?”_ Ryan manages, voice trembling. His _dad’s_ calling, he hasn’t talked to Ryan in _years-_

“I found the gene,” his father says, “and I made a vaccine. The treatment’s halfway finished on my cousin’s daughter-”

“So it’s hereditary?”

“It is _not hereditary,”_ his father snaps, cutting him off. “Come by today and I can give you the first half of the treatment when I give her the second.”

“Oh- um - okay, yeah-” Ryan says, but his dad’s already hung up. Ryan just stares down at his phone for a minute, just _reeling,_ between hearing his dad’s voice again and hearing that - he’s _fixed this._ Maybe Ryan can go _home_ and they’ll love him this time.

            He rushes to get ready and leave, but right as he’s looking for his keys, there’s a knock on the door. It’s Aaron, and he hugs Ryan hello, steps into the apartment.

            “Busy today? Me and a bunch of the guys are gonna go do the Grind,” Aaron says.

            “I’m going home!” Ryan’s so nervous his heart is _racing,_ but part of him is so _excited,_ because he’s going home, _he’s going home._ Three weeks ago at graduation, he thought he was never going home again, and to suddenly be _going home,_ it’s to realise there’s been an extra-heavy weight on him, a hollowness that is the most stark when he looks back at it. This is a feeling he’s only had in brief moments, when he got a good report card or made the varsity hockey team or got into university, that fleeting moment of _maybe now they’ll love me._  This time, though, this time is _different,_ because this is fixing the problem itself.

            “You are?” Aaron asks slowly.

            “Yeah! My dad fixed it!”

            “Fixed… what, Ry?”

            “ _Everything,”_ Ryan says; his roommate leavin later today but for now he’s still asleep, so Ryan doesn’t want to say _werewolf_ out loud. “With - all his gene stuff, there’s some two-part vaccination treatment or something? I don’t know, but - he’s gonna fix it! He already did it to some other kid, and now he’s gonna for me-”

            “Has that been, like… tested, and stuff?”

            “What? Um, I don’t know. I think it’s kinda a secret,” Ryan says. “But, whatever, he _fixed it!_ Aaron, I’m gonna be _normal,_ I won’t be all fucked up anymore, it’s _okay-”_

            “Ryan - you aren’t fucked up,” Aaron says gently, “are you _sure_ about this?”

            “I get to go _home.”_

            “I know, I know, just -” Aaron pauses, circles a hand through the air to indicate something Ryan isn’t getting. “What if it’s dangerous? An _untested vaccine,_ Ryan.”

            “It’s gonna _fix me.”_

            “You aren’t _broken,”_ Aaron says firmly, “just - Ry, please think about this. It’s - I know this is a permanent thing in your life. But - this is a _really_ extreme length to go to, to deal with it, and - what if the way you feel about it isn’t permanent?” He looks so worried, like Ryan’s about to make some kind of mistake, but Ryan’s _not._

            “This is gonna get me my family back,” Ryan says, nearly pleading, and he doesn’t get why Aaron looks so sad _now,_ because now is when Ryan actually gets to go _home._ Aaron sighs out a breath, just pulls Ryan into his arms and hugs him tight.

            “Do you want me to drive you there or anything?” Aaron asks.

            “No, it’s okay, you’ve got that thing with those guys today. I’ll be fine. I’m gonna leave now, though - or, as soon as I find my keys, I guess - and my wallet, I should go get that too-”

            “Okay,” Aaron says softly, leans in to kiss Ryan’s cheek. “Call me if you need anything, okay? Promise you will.”

            “I will, I promise.”

            “I’ll see you,” Aaron says softly, “you’re perfect, okay? Don’t forget about calling.”

            Ryan keeps hearing Aaron’s words in his head all the way to his parents’ house. _You’re perfect,_ Aaron said, but he doesn’t _understand._ This fucking thing has ruined Ryan’s whole _life._ He’s a werewolf, and it’s why his parents never came to his hockey games, why his sister was favoured over him, why his mom never hugged him and his dad wouldn’t look at him, and if he could just get rid of the werewolf part of him, he’d be _okay._

            Walking up to the house feels weird; he hasn’t been here since he graduated high school. His parents put him through school, but made it clear that he really should work in the city during the summers and breaks, and not come home. When he rings the doorbell, his sister answers; she’s a year older than him, but lives at home to save money, an option Ryan was never offered. This is the only home he’s ever known, but it wasn’t the same one she had; he can never really imagine, how it must have felt for her.

            “What’re you doing here,” she sighs out.

            “Dad’s gonna fix my genes,” Ryan informs her; she rolls her eyes and lets him into the house. Ryan just - can’t stop looking around, reacquainting himself with the rooms. His room was upstairs - now converted into an office, he knows - but the rest is the same. Except, well. The babygates are gone, and it feels more like a _home_ for that, because those made him feel fenced-out and rejected, but they’re gone now, he wants to stay here, in this home without gates and barriers.

            “Dad,” Kate calls, following Ryan into the kitchen, “Ryan’s here.” And- Ryan doesn’t like the kitchen. He can see the backyard from here, and _fuck_ but he hates it out there, it’s so cold and lonely out there. Ryan’s distracted until his dad’s footsteps coming downstairs make him flinch and look over.

            “I’ve got everything set up in the office,” his dad says, and oh, God, how did Ryan forget how his dad used to look at him - Ryan’s mother looks at him like she’s half afraid he’s going to turn immediately and be _dangerous,_ but his dad looks at Ryan the same way he looks at Ryan when he’s a wolf, a puppy scrabbling against the babygates and howling until he’s put outside in punishment, and Ryan recoils automatically, bites his lip. “Well, c’mon.” He goes upstairs, and Ryan stumbles in his haste to follow. “I treated Paulina this morning,” his dad says. “She’s on phase two; phase one was successful enough to proceed.” He beckons Ryan into the office, what used to be Ryan’s bedroom, and points him to the desk chair. Ryan sits, twisting his fingers together nervously as he watches his dad open a little case.

            “So is it, like…. tested?” Ryan ventures, thinking of what Aaron said this morning.

            “Yeah,” his dad says, rolls his eyes, “I’m sure the FDA really cares about what happens to _werewolves._ ” This makes Ryan flinch a little, and he watches his dad take out and prep a needle, rub a little wipe over Ryan’s arm.

            “So…. what’s this do?”

            “Highlights the genes the second vaccine needs to attack,” his dad says, squinting at the needle as he gets rid of air bubbles, “you’ll be ill for a few days.”

            “How… how sick?”

            “Fairly.” His dad lines up the needle, “it highlights them by infecting them.”

            “Oh, um, okay?” Ryan tries not to yelp out loud when the needle goes in. “So - that’s it?”

            “Come back Monday,” his dad instructs, “and I’ll give you the vaccine for this.”

            “Or!” Ryan pipes up, “or, I can- just stay here until then, because I’m all fixed now, and-”

“You’re not human yet,” his dad says, and, okay, Ryan’s heard that before, and he definitely let himself get carried away, but it was just - the feeling of being here again, this exact spot where his bed used to be. He - he used to try and time his turning for evening, so he could go to hide in his room and snuggle under a blanket instead of going outside, and he got yelled at when his mother saw him as a wolf sleeping on the bed, but - but this time it’d be _different,_ he wouldn’t be a _werewolf_ anymore.

“No, it’s okay, I’ll just - go home.” His roommate’s still around, working from home. But maybe after this, Ryan will be able to have a break from the apartment, come _home_ for a weekend.

Ryan shows himself out, tries not to linger, attention snagging on all the things that have changed. The pawprint at the baseboard by the backyard door is gone, there doesn’t seem to be any wire fencing in the backyard anymore, the scuffmarks from the babygate walls painted over - Ryan pulls the front door closed behind him.

He has really, really high hopes for this, and when he wakes up the next morning feeling _fucking terrible,_ he actually kind of thinks it might be working, and doesn’t mind so much. Except the splitting headache starts getting old after five relentless hours, he’s so dizzy he can barely stand, and everything _hurts._ When the phone rings from his nightstand, he winces from how much the loud sound hurts, and only answers when he sees it’s Aaron.

“Hey,” Aaron says gently, “tried calling you yesterday, just want to see how it went.”

“Good, it - went good,” Ryan says; he sounds like he has strep throat or something, and every word hurts his throat.

“You sound pretty bad.”

“I feel pretty bad,” Ryan mumbles into the pillow. “It’s - like, a vaccine? But I had to be infected first, so.”

“Contagious?” Aaron asks, but Ryan can already hear him getting up and moving around, then the sound of Aaron grabbing keys.

“Only targets werewolf genes.” Ryan closes his eyes. “You - don’t have to come over, if you don’t want,” he says, even though he’s the kind of sick where he doesn’t want to be alone because then he’d focus on how much _everything hurts_ and feel so wrenchingly lonely.

“I want to,” Aaron says gently, “see you in a few.”

It’s not long before Ryan hears a knock at the front door, and his roommate answering it. “Oh, hey, didn’t know you were home!” Aaron’s saying, chats with Jeremy for a minute before saying “gonna go check on Ryan,” and then his footsteps coming here. “Hey,” Aaron says softly, closes the door behind him. “How’re you feeling?”

“Awful,” Ryan groans. Trying to lift his head to look over at Aaron makes him dizzy. “He did part one. There’s part two on Monday, like he gave that chick, Paulina today.”

“I didn’t know your roommate was home, too,” Aaron says; Ryan sighs in agreement. It’s kind of stressing him out. He was fine last night, and woke up today feeling _horrible,_ and is kind of afraid of what happens over the weekend, when this surely gets worse. Aaron sinks down on the side of the bed, runs his hand over Ryan’s hair. “I know going in a car probably sounds really bad, but what d’you think about coming to stay at my place? It’d be just us, d’you think that’d be - a bit better?”

“Yeah,” Ryan mumbles. He’s pretty afraid of what the result of targeting werewolf genes is, and since Jeremy thinks he’s just got a really bad cold, well. Ryan doesn’t want him finding out the truth. “But the _car,”_ he whines.

“I know, I know.” Aaron leans down, brushes his lips over Ryan’s cheek. “If you wanna.” Ryan groans, nods yes. He manages to sit up, winces at how much this makes his head hurt. Aaron finds his jacket and sneakers for him and when he reaches to hold Ryan’s hand, Ryan laces their fingers together, squeezes gently. Aaron’s here, he’s still here.

The drive is short but pretty miserable; Ryan’s so dizzy it hurts, curls towards the window and keeps his eyes closed, tries to focus only on the feeling of Aaron’s hand on his knee. Once there, Aaron holds his hand as they head upstairs, and Ryan’s ready to pass the fuck _out_ by the time they’re upstairs, grateful that Aaron brings him to the living room, sets him up with a pillow and blankets on the couch, where Ryan can sleep with Aaron nearby.

“Have you eaten anything today?” Aaron asks, and Ryan shakes his head no. “I’m gonna make you tea at least,” Aaron says, kisses Ryan’s cheek before heading into the kitchen.

Ryan spends the afternoon fitfully sleeping, barely eating anything, and freaking out every time he wakes up and Aaron isn’t there; it doesn’t happen often, but he’ll look up, heart racing, and breathe a sigh of relief when he hears Aaron moving around in the other room.

In the evening, Ryan’s in pain _everywhere,_ just follows Aaron to bed and passes out beside him, blearily aware that Aaron’s gently petting over his hair. “It’ll be better tomorrow,” Aaron murmurs; Ryan tucks his head under Aaron’s chin, hopes Aaron’s right. 


	7. Chapter 7

Things aren’t better in the morning. Aaron _really_ doesn’t like this whole plan, but Ryan’s family fucked him up so much that he thinks this agony is _worth it._ Aaron can tell Ryan’s hurting so _much,_ in agonising pain and going through all this just because it _might_ work, doesn’t seem to realise that it couldn’t just fail, it could _hurt him._

And today - today is even worse. It’s only Saturday, and Ryan’s doing so _badly._ It’s like he _needs_ to turn and _can’t,_ sleeps fitfully and tosses and turns and curls up under the blankets trembling and whimpering. He’s in absolute misery, and when Aaron just _has_ to wake him up from sleep clearly riddled with nightmares, Ryan jerks awake, buries his face and whimpers. Aaron’s woken him up twice by evening, but when he comes into the living room again, Ryan’s whimpering in his sleep, so _distressed._

“Hey,” Aaron says softly, kneels down beside the couch and shakes Ryan’s shoulder gentle, “c’mon, Ry, wake up-” Ryan flinches awake, scrambles to reach for Aaron.

“I’m not I’m not I’m not-” he babbles out, trembling, face buried against Aaron’s neck, “I’m sorry I won’t do it again never again in front of you-”

“Ryan, it’s me, it’s just me,” Aaron says, and Ryan flinches, then clings tighter. “Shh, ‘s okay, just me.” He stays there until Ryan stops trembling, kisses Ryan’s hair and can’t stop trying to think of a way to convince Ryan to not go _through_ with this. He could still fight this off; he doesn’t _need_ a vaccine that’ll attack infected genes - Aaron wishes he knew for sure.

Sunday is worse. Sunday is Ryan _sobbing,_ because something’s stopping him from turning, but makes the need burn under his skin, screaming to get out. Something in his body keeps trying, but can never get past wolf ears, which he can’t seem to make go away, is stuck in a barely-started stage of turning.

“I just really _need to,”_ he begs, sobbing into Aaron’s chest as Aaron holds him close, “I can’t, _I can’t_ it won’t _let me-”_

“I know, I know,” Aaron soothes, “you’re okay, you’re going to be okay-” he doesn’t sound very convinced, but at least after a while, Ryan cries himself to sleep, even if it’s to fitful nightmares.

Aaron leaves him to sleep, steals away to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat; he checks his phone, does his daily check for werewolf news or information, which rarely turns up anything, but - but this time-

 _“Fuck,_ fuck-” he chokes out, presses on the link too many times in his haste to open it. It’s an article about a girl who changed into a werewolf in the middle of a mall, but then _died,_ had some kind of cardiac arrest, and preliminary investigations suggest some kind of infection causing it- and her name sounds familiar. “Ryan?” Aaron calls out, “Ryan!” He rushes over, shakes Ryan awake again, to disgruntled little whines. “I know, I know, baby, but this is important.”

“Hmm?”

“What’s that girl’s name, the other person your dad treated?”

“Umm,” Ryan rubs his eyes with his fist, “um. Paulette? Paula?”

“Was it Paulina?”

“Uh- yeah, yeah it was,” Ryan says, buries his head again. “Everything _hurts,”_ he whimpers, pleadingly.

“I know, I know,” Aaron leans in to kiss Ryan’s cheek. “Go back to sleep, okay? Everything’ll be okay soon.”

“Tomorrow,” Ryan agrees blearily, “gonna be _normal_ tomorrow.”

“Go back to sleep, alright? You need rest.” He’s frantic with the need to _do something,_ but for now, he just has to wait, even though this impending treatment _killed someone,_ even though it’s not going to work and this is all so bad and Ryan wants it so _much._

For now, all Aaron can do is stay kneeling next to the couch, whisper Ryan back to sleep. He talks about how they used to have sleepovers and stay up until midnight, about their first hockey team, about how everything was always them together, and he stays there until long after Ryan falls asleep.

0o0o0o

Monday morning, Ryan wakes up in _agony._ He woke up over and over at night, from frantic dreams where he was a wolf and back at his parents’ house, howling and pawing at a baby gate, or curled up by the backyard steps because he was afraid of the bigger animals in the forest just beyond the yard. And the morning isn’t much better, the wolf side clawing to get out but _stopped,_ consuming him with the frantic need to turn until it _burns_ at him. He’s frustrated to sobs by it, but - it’s Monday, he can go _home,_ and they’ll want him there this time.

Aaron’s already awake when Ryan’s thrown out of his nightmare, reaches over to hold Ryan’s hand, squeeze it gently. “Hey,” Aaron whispers.

“Today’s Monday,” Ryan says desperately, “it’s Monday, so- so I can go _home.”_

“Ryan…” Aaron says, voice soft, apologetic, “there’s something you gotta know, Ry.” Ryan shakes his head no, but Aaron goes on. “That girl, who got the second part of this, the vaccine? It - it didn’t work.”

“It _does-”_

“It didn’t,” Aaron says quietly, “I’m really sorry, Ry. She - just this weekend, she died. It seems to be from an infection, and that’s - that would be the vaccine thing.”

It - it doesn’t work. But Ryan _needs_ it to, he needs this too much for it not to work, it’s _unfair,_ so horribly unfair. “But-” he manages, “but-”

“I’m sorry,” Aaron whispers.

“They were gonna let me come home,” Ryan chokes out, and then he just starts to cry. They were going to _love him._ This was going to make up for all those years, this was going to show him what a hug from his mom felt like, what he’d feel when his dad was proud of him, make him feel like a younger brother and not a mistake, _they were going to love him._

Today’s even worse than the past few days. Ryan’s sniffling and miserable, grateful Aaron doesn’t mind that all he wants to do is be held, bury his face against Aaron’s chest and struggle not to cry, because losing hope like this, it’s a kind of mourning, it’s losing not just what he had, but what he _could_ have had.

With no end in sight, being sick drags on and on what feels like endlessly. Ryan tries not to whine too much, because Aaron doesn’t have to do this for him, during this thing Ryan did to himself, but he’s so, so grateful for how Aaron stays with him and how on Wednesday morning, when Ryan’s finally showing signs of improvement, Aaron just seems relieved that Ryan’s okay.

By Thursday morning, this is it, Ryan’s recovered; whatever was infected just healed itself, like his body’s always done, extra strong because of werewolf genes, and there was never a vaccine introduced to hunt those wolf cells down and destroy them. Ryan’s healthy - and unchanged. His ability to turn isn’t inhibited anymore, but he still spends a few hours pushing it away before he finally gives in. He hates what a relief it is, to turn into a wolf.

“Ryan!” he hears, when Aaron looks into the bedroom, and Ryan flinches, yelps out a little bark. Is Aaron mad he’s on the bed, Aaron must be mad- “you’re okay,” Aaron says, sounds _relieved,_ “everything’s fine again, you’re okay. Had to see it to believe it.” He comes over to the bed and gathers Ryan up in his arms, hugs him gently. He’s the only person to have ever pet Ryan as a wolf - Ryan used to try everything he could, wiggle past the gates and run up to his parents or sister, wag his tail and whimper, and he’d just get put in the yard, to sit with his head on his paws, watching the sunset.

He spends a little extra time as a wolf just because it’s an excuse not to talk, but eventually he has to turn back, and at least attempt to face this whole mess. Aaron doesn’t push, so Ryan just waits until Friday morning, shifts back and waits for Aaron to wake up, pressed up against his side.

“Hey,” Aaron yawns when he wakes up, “how you feeling?”

“Alright,” Ryan presses his cheek to the pillow, watching Aaron. “I… I want to go to my parents’ house, to just - I dunno. Ask about the treatment failing.” He doesn’t know what he wants to get out of this; maybe part of him wants a real goodbye to what he keeps hoping is waiting for him in that house. Aaron doesn’t question it, though, just kisses Ryan’s cheek and murmurs that he’ll drive them there. Ryan’s quiet for a moment, looking down at Aaron’s hand on his arm, Aaron gently rubbing his thumb in circles.

“You stopped asking me on dates,” Ryan hears himself say. Aaron smiles a little.

“I’m switching tactics,” he says, “instead of asking a ton of times, I’m just gonna sneak attack you. With rosepetals and candles and everything.” Ryan laughs, and Aaron smiles bigger. “Naah, but. I don’t want to give you one more thing to worry about. If you ever want to, we will. If you want me to wait a bit, I’ll do that too.”

“What if - I don’t?” Ryan says, and Aaron’s smile is sad.

“That’s okay too,” he says, “I’m still gonna be your friend, no matter what. I want more, but I never want less than that.”

“No, I mean - waiting, what if - it’s not that far off?” Ryan says, because this past few weeks - it feels like they’re dating. And that was _okay,_ there was never any point where he thought _Aaron’s going to leave._ Aaron knows _everything,_ and here he is. Even though this, the only chance Ryan ever had at becoming normal, this _failed -_ Aaron’s still here. He kisses Ryan when he’s human and still wants him when he’s a wolf; Aaron’s always been here.

“That would be awesome,” Aaron says, “I hope it’s that one.”

“I think it’s that one.”

And he’s _terrified_ of going to his parents’ house today, but right now, he’s not thinking about that, because Aaron’s here and holding his hand and curled under the covers with him, and right now, Ryan can’t imagine ever feeling any different from this, safe and at-home and _okay._

 

The drive up is okay. Aaron holds Ryan’s hand and talks to him and somehow manages to make him laugh, and it’s only when Ryan gets out of the car and is standing there on his own on the sidewalk that he’s terrified. As he walks up the path, he vaguely wonders what other people think, as they’re going home, what it calls up if not the sound of paws frantically scrabbling against a plastic gate, or all the little corners of the rooms, doing his homework in tucked-away places, where his mom was least likely to walk by. Ryan draws in a breath, rings the doorbell.

It’s early evening, so his dad’s already home, and Ryan can hear him talking from behind the door somewhere, but it’s his mother that opens the door.

“I thought it was Monday,” she says, and Ryan shrugs a little.

“I … wanted to ask about it.”

She lets him in, and his dad comes into the entryway, crosses his arms and stands beside her. “It’s too late,” he says, “the infection needs to be live.”

“I… I know, I didn’t come, because - I heard what happened to that girl,” Ryan says. “She _died,”_ he prompts, when this doesn’t draw any response.

“Yes, well. Genes are unpredictable. At least she’s not-”

“A _werewolf_ anymore?” Ryan cuts in, “she’s _dead!_ That’s not better!” There’s no response. “It’s not!”

“Look, Ryan, you’re too late, it won’t work anymore,” his dad says; the phone rings from the kitchen, and he goes to answer it.

“I’m not _late,”_ Ryan calls after him, “I decided not to do it! But - but I _tried.”_ He looks pleadingly to his mother, “I went through all of that, doesn’t that _count?_ I _wanted_ to change it!”

“Well, we _wanted_ a human son, and it’s pretty clear that just _wanting_ isn’t enough,” his mother says, and that’s not _fair,_ it wasn’t Ryan’s _fault._

“But - I wouldn’t be any different,” he begs, “I wouldn’t! Like - right now, you can’t _tell_ I’m - that! It’s not gonna make me any different.”

“It’d make you _human.”_

“But I _am!”_ He half wishes he didn’t do this _here,_ because being here hurts, the longer he stays just more time for everything to remind him of how _miserable_ he’s always been. “I’m the same person I would be even if I wasn’t a werewolf!”

“You’d be our _son_ if you weren’t,” his mom says, and he’s never heard her any way but this, unhappy he’s even _here._

“I still _am!”_ Ryan feels on the verge of tears now, “so, what, if it had work, I could have just come back and you’d have suddenly loved me and you’d apologise and that’d be it?”

“Apologise for _what,”_ she says, and that’s when Ryan finally gets it. It _doesn’t matter_ if he stopped being a werewolf tomorrow, and they suddenly wanted him - they’re still the same people they’ve been all along. He hasn’t changed, and they wouldn’t have either, and he wants parents, he wants a family, but not this one. They didn’t want him as a werewolf, but that’s _him,_ taking away one little part won’t make him someone new, it’s just proof that they could hate their own son just for one piece of him.

“Fine,” Ryan manages, still wants to cry because he’s _never_ going to have a family and this - this was never going to be the solution. The crushing weight of that much hopelessness is even worse, because there was _never_ any real hope.

“So should I tell your father to have another treatment-”

“No,” Ryan shakes his head, crosses his arms over his chest tightly, staring down at the floor. “No, I’m not doing it. It’s not worth it.” He flinches when he feels a hand on his cheek, but - it’s his mom, gentle.

“All we ever wanted was a son and a daughter,” she says, the gentlest he’s ever heard her, “can’t you see that’s all we’re trying to have? We thought we _did,_ we thought everything was perfect - and then when our baby’s just days old, our baby isn’t - our _baby_ anymore, there’s a _werewolf_ in his crib, howling like it thought I’d pick it up when I was expecting my _baby_ to be there. Can’t you understand how upset we were?” And this - this is the voice Ryan always wanted to hear, but what she’s saying _hurts._ She’s saying that when she found out her baby was a werewolf, she ceased to have a son. Ryan rubs his eyes with his sleeve, tries to breathe evenly.

“No,” he says, voice breaking, “because I was still me, and _you_ decided not to love me anymore.” He pushes her hand away, and slams the front door on his way out. Aaron’s parked up the street, and Ryan hurries over, in tears by the time he finally sinks down in the passenger seat.

“How’d it go?” Aaron asks softly, and Ryan sighs, bites his lip. He can’t tell himself there was ever a better time, because she _told_ him, confirmed that when he was a baby and turned into a little wolf, howling pitifully in a crib, she wouldn’t pick him up. Aaron seems to understand, just leans over and hugs him, lets Ryan cling to him tight.

 


	8. Chapter 8

The next few weeks go by quietly. Both Ryan and Aaron start work, and Ryan lets Aaron convince him to see their friends a few times, tags along on weekend nights sometimes. One Saturday morning, though, they’re supposed to meet up with a bunch of guys they’ve played hockey with before, and Ryan’s sitting on Aaron’s couch waiting for him and just doesn’t _want_ to go. He rests his cheek against the back of the couch, knees pulled up to his chest, watches Aaron come out of the bedroom, zipping up his jacket.

            “Ready?” Aaron says, but circles around to sit by him. “You don’t wanna go.”

            “I’ll go,” Ryan says; it sounds listless. He just feels so empty, without the hope he used to have. Aaron pauses, tugs at the fraying ends of Ryan’s jeans.

            “I had this other idea, if you want,” he ventures. “It’s been ages since you’ve come home with me.”

            “I’m here now?”

            “No, I mean, come back to North Van with me today,” Aaron says, “you haven’t in ages, since we moved out.”

            “Oh. I’d- you’d wanna do that?” Ryan asks, knows he sounds _really_ hopeful. Ryan always _loved_ going to Aaron’s house, which felt more home-like than his own house ever did. Aaron’s brother fondly teased Ryan just like he did Aaron, would drive them places when they were younger, or lean in through the doorway to report that his girlfriend made cupcakes, if they wanted any. Aaron’s dad went to every one of Aaron’s hockey games, and congratulated Ryan on all his goals, and Aaron’s mom laughed when Ryan always called her Mrs. Lai and never seemed to mind that he was over at their house so often.

            Going back today - it’s like he was never gone for that long. Aaron’s mom hugs him hello and Aaron’s dad asks how hockey’s going, and eventually his brother comes home and bugs them until they come to play street hockey with him, and at dinner, Aaron reaches over to squeeze Ryan’s hand under the table and for the first time in weeks, Ryan can feel something other than just hollow hurt.

            After dinner, they go back outside to keep playing 2-on-1, but Aaron goes into the house to grab a jacket, and after a few minutes, Ryan decides he wants his jacket too, so he follows. When he hears quiet voices in the kitchen, hears his own name, he’s _so scared_ for a moment, but then he hears Aaron’s voice.

“No, no, we’re not dating,” Aaron’s saying, but it sounds fond, “but - we might, someday,” he says, and Ryan can hear that he’s smiling. “He might have feelings for me,” Aaron says quietly, like it’s a secret he’s bursting to tell, and he sounds _so happy._ Ryan slips away while Aaron’s mom talks to him, grabs a jacket from Aaron’s room and goes back outside. Jason’s wandered off, so Ryan sits on the step to wait for Aaron. They’re just a few blocks from his house, but it always felt so different here, like he was in another town entirely.

“Jase ditch us?” he hears, turns to see Aaron coming over to sit beside him. Aaron wraps an arm around Ryan’s shoulders, half hugs him. “We won anyways.”

“You always say that.” Ryan sinks his head down to Aaron’s shoulder, tentatively reaches for Aaron’s hand to lace their fingers together. “I wanted to, um. Tell you something.” It’s hard, to do this right now, when there’s nowhere to hide, but – it feels important, to tell Aaron like this, here where they grew up, the sun low in the sky. “Thanks for – wanting me, even when I’m a wolf,” Ryan says quietly.

“Ry,” Aaron murmurs, leans in to kiss Ryan’s hair, “that’s still you. And wanting you is just – what I _do._ And you’re still you, so that’s like saying – even wanting you on odd-numbered Tuesdays. It doesn’t make a difference to me.” Ryan rubs his thumb over the back of Aaron’s hand, quiet for a few moments.

“If it never goes away – you’d still want me?”

“Yeah. No matter what, that’ll never change,” Aaron says, lips against Ryan’s hair, and Ryan breathes in slow, face turned against Aaron’s shoulder. If he doesn’t lock the wolf side away, his senses get better, and he can smell Aaron’s cologne, but also the coffee he spilled on his sleeve and tried to clean off this morning and his shampoo and also, Ryan himself, because Aaron hugs him and holds his hand and presses little kisses to his hair and cheek and ears, and Ryan doesn’t mind the weirdly heightened senses, when it tells him this, that Aaron reaches for him so often, he can smell himself on Aaron.

“I wanted to tell you yes, every time you asked me out,” Ryan says, “I just – I didn’t wanna change us. I don’t want you to ever go anywhere.”

“I won’t,” Aaron says.

“You never have,” Ryan looks up, scoots in closer against Aaron, “you – you’ve always-” he doesn’t know how to finish this, because Aaron’s always been here, always been his, always _wanted_ him, Aaron’s always been so many things, the only good thing in Ryan’s life. Ryan gives up on finding the words, just leans in and kisses Aaron.

“Always will be,” Aaron says against Ryan’s lips, and kisses him again.

\-------

Ryan is waiting for Aaron to leave him. Aaron can _tell,_ and it’s heartbreaking, because they’ve been together two months now and it’s going amazing, like this was always the natural progression of their relationship – and Ryan clings extra tight, looks worried at innocent questions like _lemme ask you something,_ like Aaron’s going to say _why do you think I want you_ and not _does Thai-Mexican sound like a good combination for food,_ is tentative when he leans in to kiss Aaron first, like he’s expecting to be pushed away. And Aaron _gets_ it, he does, because now he knows more about how Ryan was raised, knows that _no one_ loved him as a kid, and that to him, a relationship is a temporary state that only lasts until something he can’t help fucks it up.

Aaron gets it, is trying to figure out how to convince Ryan he’s here to stay, but that’s hard. He doesn’t know how to express something so fundamental, how to tell Ryan he’s here _forever._

And he should have _known._ He should have known that the longer it went on, Ryan wouldn’t be more assured, he’d be more convinced something bad would happen. He should have known it would stress Ryan out, that he’d start doing that thing where he puts off turning, that asking Ryan to come as his date to a wedding rehearsal would freak him out because he doesn’t really know how to do things with families. Aaron should have _known,_ and yet here he is, frustrated because he _has_ to go to this, and he was late getting to Ryan’s place already, Ryan’s not actually ready yet, Aaron kind of snapped at him for that, and now, fucking _fuck,_ the stress has made Ryan turn into a wolf, and run and hide.

“I just – come _on,”_ Aaron huffs, runs a hand over his face. Ryan’s a puppy – well, wolf, Aaron just thinks of him as a puppy – and is hiding in the bedroom, giving whimpering little cries. “Ryan…” Aaron leans through the doorway; Ryan’s curled up under the bed, face behind his little paws, and Aaron’s heartbroken but still so _frustrated,_ because he’s been here for Ryan since they were kids, has never abandoned him, is _still_ here and _loves him,_ and Aaron just doesn’t know how he could prove it, if Ryan still doesn’t believe him.

“Fine,” he mumbles, turns and leaves, because it _hurts,_ that Ryan doesn’t trust him enough not to be scared he’s going to leave, and Aaron doesn’t _want_ to be so upset about that, he just – needs some time to bounce back, that’s all.

Aaron goes ahead to the wedding rehearsal – it’s his cousin’s, so the whole family’s there and at least there’s enough people that no one pays him tons of attention, except his brother, who gives him concerned looks when he comes in late and without Ryan – and by the time the rehearsal part is over, Aaron’s regretting leaving Ryan like that, miserable with it. He just – he wants to be trusted. He wants Ryan to _tell_ him when things are getting stressful, and to talk to him, and he knows Ryan has a _ton_ of things to work through, and that balancing what they both need is hard.

“Dude,” Jason says, as they’re leaving, about to go to the restaurant. “Weddings are happy, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Aaron elbows him half-heartedly. He kind of wants to cut out early and go apologise to Ryan. Ryan was _hiding_ and whimpering and fuck, Aaron feels bad. His brother talks for the whole drive to the restaurant and Aaron’s just quiet, dreading the evening now. He meets his parents in the parking lot again, and Aaron trails along after his parents and brother through the parking lot, but when they get up to the restaurant –

“Ryan!”

Ryan’s _there,_ waiting for him, looks nervous and apologetic, fidgeting with his shirt cuffs and looking at Aaron like he’s not sure Aaron wants to see him. Aaron runs over and throws his arms around Ryan, and he’s relieved when Ryan relaxes against him, clings tight.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan says, and Aaron presses a kiss to his hair. “I- freaked, I’m sorry, it was just – a lot, but it _wasn’t,_ but- I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. And I’m really glad you came, I missed you.” He pulls back a little, brushes a kiss to Ryan’s lips, kisses over the freckles high on his cheeks. “I’m sorry I left you. We’ll talk after, okay? But like, good talk,” he says, because he knows Ryan would worry. He’s relieved when this makes Ryan smile and nod, beam when Aaron laces their fingers together.

The dinner is so much better, now that Ryan’s here. Aaron introduces him as _my boyfriend, Ryan,_ and Ryan blushes happily and squeezes Aaron’s hand under the table when Aaron tells his aunt about how they’ve known each other for years, and casually deflects questions about Ryan’s family.

They don’t talk about it until they’re back at Aaron’s place, as Ryan’s waiting in bed while Aaron hangs up his shirt. Aaron goes slowly, because he _likes_ this, that Ryan knows it’s okay to climb into his bed, that Aaron wants him there, and he likes the way Ryan curls up to watch him, sleepy and content.

Aaron turns off the light, slips under the covers and scoots in towards Ryan. “So, um,” he says quietly, Ryan’s gaze steadily on him. Aaron just sees the way Ryan hid from him, and sighs out a breath, kisses Ryan’s forehead. “Ryan-“

“I love you,” Ryan says, quick but shaky. “I’m – I’m in love with you. Since a long time, and – and I know you’re okay with…. _it-_ ” he says it like it’s a secret, eyes down.

“That you’re a werewolf, yeah,” Aaron says, and he’s hoping Ryan will say that other part again, _I love you._ Ryan’s eyes light up, and he kisses Aaron softly, noses against his cheek.

“That I’m a werewolf,” he says, voice a little steadier now. “You’re okay with it and that’ll never change. I’m – I’m not used to that, and – I’m working on that. But you’re okay with it, I know that.”

“I love you,” Aaron says softly, and the way Ryan smiles and leans in to kiss him, Aaron can feel something shift.

He knows it the next morning, when he’s up and getting dressed and Ryan’s dozing in bed, and Aaron says that since it’s Sunday, they could drive out to where the really cool hikes are.

“That sounds good,” Ryan replies, “although we both know I’ll beat you to the top.”

“What makes you think that?” Aaron says, and Ryan laughs. Ryan just wolf-howls in response, is grinning lazily when Aaron looks over at him, and _this,_ this is how he always deserves to be, happy and okay with himself and loved. _Finally,_ Aaron can feel like he knows everything about Ryan, and that Ryan is going to be okay. Ryan’s shy in crowds, likes to play defense in hockey, fidgets with his sleeves when he’s nervous, likes sleeping buried under blankets and is a werewolf; Aaron loves everything Ryan is, and now, Ryan's learning to love it too. 


End file.
